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The Media Thinks You're Drinking Purell

The Media Thinks You're Drinking Purell

By Kathryn_Williams

First they came for the vanilla extract. Then it was the Nyquil. Demi Moore reminded us of the dangers of canned whipped cream. There was i-Dosing. Something about nutmeg? And don't even get us started on that whole disgusting tampons-in-vodka thing. (If you don't know what we're talking about, count yourself lucky.) Now it's teens getting their jollies from hand sanitizer.

Every time we turn around, it seems the media is pinning a gross new way to get buzzed on teens everywhere. "It's a trend! It's a trend!" they cry, the word alone enough to make school principals quake and mothers cry. "Lock up your teens! Let them have dirty hands!" Luckily, we know our dear Sparklers are not so foolish as to party with Purell. Unfortunately it seems other teens aren't quite as evolved. (Actually, there's a reason for that.) Blatant sarcasm hand raised high above our heads (read: do NOT try this at home), why don't they try these trippy tricks next? We can see the headlines already:

Teens Licking Backyard Snails in Effort to Get High

Teenager Caught Sniffing Wet Tarmac on Airport Runway

Local Teen Locks Herself in Small Bathroom with 15,000 Open Bottles of Nail Polish

Could Your Teen Be Drunk on Apple Cider Vinegar?

"It Sounded Like a Good Idea at the Time," Says Teen Implicated in Eating Helium Balloon

Are Teenagers Tweaking on Food Network Marathons? Authorities Say Yes

State Toxicology Department Befuddled by Increased Consumption of  Bug Spray Among Adolescents

16 Year-Old Caught Smoking Poison Ivy, Hospitalized

Bust at Local School Uncovers 200 Pounds of Crimini Mushrooms

Why Are Teens Spinning Around and Around and Around? Tonight at 10...

What do you think of this hand sanitizer nonsense?

Related post: Hands In: Let's Make a Pact

Topics: Life
Tags: news, hysteria, grownups, media hysteria, trends

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About the Author
Kathryn_Williams

Kathryn Williams is the author of three YA novels but only one with an Oxford comma in the title. She is a Taurus and hates writing bios. Check out her website, www.kathrynswilliams.com, and follow her on Twitter @kathrynwauthor.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.