Ask Jono: How To Find the Nice Guys
First off, I would like to thank you in advance for helping me solve my problems. I love your posts! Well my question is fairly simple: How do you find a nice guy? I feel like only jerks are attracted to me and I am always the idiot that agrees to go out with them. I know that the stereotype is that the nice guys never get the girl, but right now I want an angel of a guy that will put me on a pedestal and will just hold my hand when we're walking and take things as slow as a snail.
You seem like a really nice guy; therefore, I am assuming that you would know where to find the hidden nice guy. If you can't help, then I will be forced into a life of being alone with 30 dioxins (I really don't like cats—childhood issues) or in a convent singing about personified hills.
You know, this is a pretty common issue, and back when I was in high school I simply could not understand why. Everywhere I looked, guys were all "Why don't girls like nice guys??" and girls were all "Why don't nice guys like me??" and somehow everyone just passed each other in the halls, and the girls wound up with Sleazy McBoneford and the guys wound up with, like, a cactus. And eventually the girls were like "On second thought, this sleazeball is not what I signed up for," and the guys were like "Kissing a cactus is extremely terrible," and everyone was miserable forever. Maybe we were all uniquely stupid, but I expect this scenario plays out the same way all over the place.
I think the first step to solving this problem is knowing exactly what you want, and so I ask: what is a nice guy? This is not a rhetorical question like "How many roads must a man walk down" or "Jono, are you making out with a cactus." It's important to actually know what you're after, and to pursue it accordingly. You say you want someone who will put you on a pedestal and take it slow as a snail, and that's great, but your snail man might not be the same thing everyone else wants, which is why I'm including this caveat: every "nice guy" is different, and it's best if you pursue them the way that you'd want to be pursued. I'll come back to this point later with science knowledge, but for now, here are my suggestions:
1.) Look around.
"Where is the hidden nice guy?" you ask, and my answer is AAAHH HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Well, he's somewhere back there anyway, in the general vicinity of behind you, as well as in front of you, because there are plenty of nice guys everywhere. You might go open the refrigerator to get a jar of pickles and there will be like two or three of them crammed in there that you won't even notice. Nice guys aren't very good at being noticed, or at least they're worse at it than the other guys, which is why you will probably have to:
2.) Take the initiative.
I say this a lot, but it's especially true in this case. Here's what you're probably thinking when you consider some average nice guy: "Hmm, he's sort of cute, but a little quiet; I wonder what he's like?" Here's what he's thinking: "OH MY GOD, A GIRL, BBLGBLGL" (that's the sound of him attempting to drown himself in the water fountain rather than deal with the stress of approaching you). In other words, pursuing nice guys really does involve pursuing them, because nice guys are like bears: they're more afraid of you than you are of them, and they enjoy fruit and salmon, and sleep in trees. Also like bears, they are unlikely to ask you out, but that doesn't mean they're not curious.
3.) No wait, not that much initiative!
If your bra is draped comically over the side of his face, you have taken too much of the initiative. You might assume it's every shy nerd's dream for you to go "HEY SMEXY" and attack his male body with your female situation, but lots of nice guys will just react to enthusiasm with suspicion. They're unused to this sort of attention (which is, of course, part of what you're looking for). If you're after a guy who will take things as slow as a snail, you'd better be snailing it up yourself, because the main thing you want here is a set of shared attitudes about dating.
4.) Gauge how he reacts.
I've mentioned before that flirting style indicates compatibility; yours is "sincere/polite," or at least I think so (you can take the test if I'm wrong). So what you want is a guy who responds to your low-key, snaily flirtation with the same basic thing, or maybe even with stuttering and doofiness. If you say hi, you almost want him to be like "Who, me?? Mice to neat you, I mean, uhh, helllpp," because the kind of dude whose response is really smooth and charming is probably only good at this because he's done it so often. It's not that only jerks are attracted to you; it's that jerks have a lot more practice asking people out, because if it goes badly, what do they care?
Look, I can't tell you exactly what every single nice guy is thinking. I don't have psychic powers, and if I did, I'd probably use them to fight crime, or maybe perpetrate crime, instead of predicting the behaviors of well-intentioned nerds. But I think I can speak for them enough to say this: the vast majority of guys who are actually nice, and not merely lonely, are willing to do just about anything if a girl will go out of her way to make the whole dating nightmare a little bit easier for them. Look for a guy who has something in common with you, and who responds to your timid interest with timid interest, and he'll have no problem taking your hand in his... snail appendage, you will inch off into the sunset together.
How do you find nice guys?