Dudes, Do NOT Dedicate These Love Songs to Your Crush
A guy with a guitar thinks he can get away with saying anything. But just because you put a back-beat to it, doesn't mean it's what a girl wants to hear. We will run away laughing (or, in one case, crying) from any guy who tries to dedicate one of these songs to us at a dance:
1. Seal, "Kiss from a Rose"
Sample lyric: "To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny. Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?"
Sorry, Seal. That is not healthy. Also, is the person you're singing to dying? Because comparing someone to a "kiss from a rose on the gray" makes us think of tombstones. Perhaps the worst question to ask someone who wrote you a love song is "Were you fantasizing I was dead when you wrote this?" That, and "How did you find so many words that rhymed with 'barfy'?"
2. Chris Brown, "Say Goodbye"
Sample lyric: "Girl it's not you, it's me. I kinda gotta figure out what I need...Trust me girl, I never meant to crush your world."
Now is not the time to get into Brown and all that he's come to represent. But we will say this: if some dude takes 40 minutes to warn you that he's about to dump you, all the while commiserating with you over how losing him is going to ruin your life, we really hope you'll interrupt at minute 5 to dump him.
3. The Rolling Stones, "Under My Thumb"
Sample lyric: "Under my thumb, the girl who once pushed me around...the change has come, she's under my thumb."
Remember the guy who used to follow you around in the third grade? The one who kept putting "DO YOU LOVE ME? CIRCLE YES OR NO" notes in your cubby, but who always smelled like baloney and once wore the same Batman T-shirt five days in a row? Yeah, he's hot now, and drives a motorcycle that he built himself. And this is the song he'd sing if you ever revealed your regret over putting him down so hard back in primary school.
4. James Blunt, "You're Beautiful"
Sample lyric: "And I don't think that I'll see her again, But we shared a moment that will last till the end."
Blunt sees a hottie on the subway, and she gives him a smile. He then sighs over the fact that he can never be with this beautiful, mysterious girl, and then something about...an angel smiling? We were throwing up too loud, so we didn't catch that part. Verdict: We'd much rather have a dude approach us then whine helplessly about how sad he is that we aren't magically dating already.
5. Captain and Tennille, "Muskrat Love"
Sample lyric: "And now he's ticklin her fancy, rubbin her toes, muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes."
In the history of the world, nobody has ever said "Muskrat mating behavior: now that's a great metaphor for humans falling in love! If only there was a song about that."
6. N'Sync, "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You"
Sample lyric: "And how can it be that right here with me there's an angel? It's a miracle."
Even the title is a bad pickup line. Before Justin Timberlake was a hot, funny performer who wrote his own stuff, he and the rest of N'Sync robotically gyrated their way through manufactured pop songs like this one. Can't you just imagine a few hairy-backed record executives trying to guess what girls across America wanted to hear from creepy older boy banders? Sadly, they got it right—this song was a hit. But hindsight is 20/20, and we can now laugh at the idea that it ever worked.
7. Usher, "You Make Me Wanna"
Sample lyric: "(You were) the one I used to run and talk to, when me and my girl was having problems...You make me want to leave the one I'm with."
Usher, stop putting all the blame on us for making you want to leave your current relationship. And stop hashing out your romantic problems with the girl you want to cheat with! It's a TERRIBLE sign when a guy starts complaining about his current girlfriend to you, his possible next girlfriend. Cause one day, you will be the other girl in that situation.
What love song would you NEVER want to have dedicated to you?