Why You Should Put Off Discussing Your Relationship
It's a trap that's incredibly easy to fall into for members of both genders. As soon as you think you start to like someone—like really like them—your instincts might tell you to talk about it with them. And that doesn't just mean that you make your intentions known and clear to them (which is something you should do)... it means that you talk about your feelings for them basically all the time. This is no good. Do you know why this is no good?
Science. Quantum mechanics, actually.
Really. You should not obsessively talk about your relationship because of something called the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Grossly simplified, Heisenberg's principle states that "observing a thing changes it." In science, this means that if you measure one property of a particle, you lose the ability to pin down its other properties. But this principle applies to lots besides science.
It's not even that hard to figure out how Heisenberg relates to your relationship. Have things with a guy or girl ever been going really great, like everything is fun and breezy, and then one of you brings up "taking it to the next level." Words like that throw a giant magnifying glass over the whole relationship, and if both people aren't on the same page, it makes things real awkward real fast.
Of course, that's not always a bad thing. Like we said before, it's important to be clear with your intentions (though not pushy). But the problem is that if events like that one above keep happening, your love life will fall into a trap. Once you open the door to talking about your relationship AS a relationship, it might never close. So where once you could have conversations about, like, your favorite bands or your plans for the weekend, now most of your conversations will be dictated by observations about how you two relate. These observations can be harsh and cutting—"I feel like you don't listen to me anymore"—or they can even be complimentary—"I love the way you laugh at my jokes"—but either way, they'll become your normal discourse. And if all you're doing is talking about how you relate to that other person, you're not doing much actual relating. In Heisenberg's terms, you're analyzing your relationship to the detriment of your relationship. Like, presumably one reason two people like each other is the conversations they can have together. If you're only talking about that one thing, that's going to get old fast, right?
So what does this mean? TAKE IT EASY. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of only talking about how you relate to the other person, as much as you may want to. After all, it's great talking about things you love. It can remind you why you love them. It can also, in sneakier situations, be used to try to convince someone they love you… how many of us are guilty of obsessively complimenting someone and how they make you feel just to get them to like you? But this strategy is going to backfire way more than it works. Has it EVER worked?
It's like this: in the beginning stages of any mutual relationship, be it a friendship or romance, things have to develop organically. Consider that 9 times out of 10, if somebody comes up to you and says straightaway "we're going to be best friends" -- especially if you don't really know the person—you will probably react negatively. Relationships are the same way. Why force the issue with a conversation that cripples your chances?
When do you think is the right time to discuss a relationship?