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Dippus and Dashing's Do's and Don'ts of First Dating

Dippus and Dashing's Do's and Don'ts of First Dating

By Lauren Passell

Dippus and Dashing are best friends, but when it comes to dating, one of them is A-OK and one of them is a DISASTRO. Can you guess which one gets all the hot babes?

Dashing brings cash on the first date so that no matter what he does, he'll be totally prepared to pay for himself. No owe-sies, no split-sies, piece a cake.

Dippus brings all his cash in pennies. There will not be room under the table for his sack-o-coins, which will up the awkwardness of the date. (Like the first date needs anymore awkwardness.) Plus, Dippus faces a huge safety risk if one of the date activities is swimming. Sack-o-coins are heavy! Nobody needs to be a hero on the first date, Dippus. Leave those Lincolns at home.

Dashing pretends like he's just on any old outing with a good pal, if he's exceedingly nervous. That calms him down enough that he does not have a heart attack, and is at ease to be himself.

Dippus pretends like he is at the dentist's office. Lots of spitting and gargling. Which is actually kind of weird if you don't know what's going on.

Dashing always listens to some uplifting music to pump himself up before his date so that he goes in energized, and in a good mood.

Dippus doesn't listen to anything, but overhears his little brother listening to a Yo Gabba Gabba album and ends up singing and humming "Don't Bite Your Friends" on the date. And although it's good advice, there is a time and a place.

Dashing wears something comfortable so he isn't fidgeting with his clothes the whole time. Comfort is key.

Dippus wears something so comfortable that it's no-pants. You should wear pants on a date. Pants are key.

Dashing has a rule for ordering food on a first date: only choose something you can stab with a fork. Like ravioli! Or french fries. (A stretch, but okay.) It's polite to be neat the first time you meet someone.

Dippus eats super spicy sloppy joes on a TV dinner tray with chopsticks. Whatever.

Dashing compliments his date on how she looks.

Dippus tells his date he wishes he could sew himself to her. Kind of a compliment, but not.

Dashing grooms himself—hair, eyebrows, teeth.

Dippus grooms horses. And then goes straight to the date location, smelling like horse poo.

Have you ever been/dated an Dippus?

Topics: Life
Tags: dating, awkward situations, first dates, guys, dos and don'ts

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