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The Secret Journal of Taylor the Emo Blender (April 24, 2012)

The Secret Journal of Taylor the Emo Blender (April 24, 2012)

By RG Daniels

::sigh:: Springtime. I guess. I can’t stop looking at Ariel. She’s the most beautiful teapot I’ve ever seen. When she whistles it’s like a dozen birds are suddenly flying into the horizon, towards a setting sun that reminds me of what it’s like to feel the pain of having to crush ice for a thousand blueberry smoothies. Can a teapot ever be with a blender? ::sigh::

Why does everything have to be so complicated? I just wanna live in a kitchen where I am happy. Happy to blend. Happy to chop. Happy to puree. But no. I am forced to sit on this counter with this angry toaster and that dorky coffee machine, constantly wondering if I’ll ever truly have what I want. I should just slide off this countertop so I can smash into a million little pieces. I bet, then, Ariel will pay attention to me. She’ll sit right beside me with some of that pomegranate white tea she’s always making, and tell me how amazing I am and that a love between us can burn brighter than the light in the fridge at midnight. Joy! That would bring me so much joy! No more agony…

But it cannot be. ::sigh:: I am just a blender. A funny-looking, barely-used blender. I get bananas and strawberries and orange juice and yogurt all shoved into me. And I cut and slice with my blades, giving off the most horrible noise a machine can make. Babies cry when they hear me. Children leave the room. Nobody wants to be around the blender. ::sigh::

I remember the last time I was around Ariel. She was looking really hot. She reminded me of a poem about teddy bears I heard when I was younger. Something about never running out of cuddles ‘cuz a cuddle can last infinity…or something. I was so nervous around her I almost started whirling my blades uncontrollably. I coulda cut myself! She told me how much she liked when I made milkshakes. I kinda laughed like a goofball. And that was it. I wish we had more time together. I’m thinking about her too much.

I should get together with The Pans and take my mind off things. They’re a fun bunch. Always clanking away and having a good time. And they’re always with Pot. I love Pot. Always a good time when Pot’s around. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll shout out to The Pans and see if I can hang at one of their parties on The Stove. Chances are Ariel will be there. She’s always hanging out on the stovetop with The Pans and Pot and sometimes you can hear music from The Oven if something is baking inside of it!

Wait…I was supposed to take my mind OFF of her. Oh God, what am I gonna do? A single thought about Ariel turns me into a blubbery ticket to SadTown. I can’t escape her! She’s everywhere in this kitchen and everywhere in my mind…

Topics: Life
Tags: crushes, letters, the secret journal of taylor the emo blender

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About the Author
RG Daniels

RG Daniels is a writer living in Brooklyn, NY. He likes ‘90s one-hit wonders, breakfast for dinner, and koala bears. He is currently on Level 163 in Candy Crush.

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