Questions! So many! Let’s answer them!
If Candace decided that if you wanted to be her boyfriend you had to shave off your beard, get a tattoo that said "I love haters," and adopt a poodle, would you do it or break up with her?
Sorry, didn’t get a chance to read this, too busy tattooing, shaving, and adopting. What was the question again?
If Candace said she couldn't love you anymore unless you cut off your ear for her, what would you do?
Sorry, couldn’t hear this question, too busy cutting off my ear. Wasn’t sure which one to do, so I went with both. What was the question again?
NOTE: Someone explained to me that I don’t need ears to hear the text with my eyes, or to “read” it, as some people call it. Regardless, I’m a little too woozy from ear-loss to really be thinking critically right now.
Reid, what would you do if the space-time continuum broke and a black hole swallowed Candace, then immediately closed, leaving you unable to follow and with no clue where it went?
Oh, PlathAddict16, I don’t know why you wish such a cruel fate upon my beloved Candace (my girlfriend)! This is really some tough stuff to be wishin’ on a guy’s one-and-only. If Candace were to be swallowed by a black hole, I’m pretty sure I’d start crying and then probably never stop (actually, I take back the probably: I would never stop). This is because even if a black hole went somewhere besides an infinitesimal dot of infinite mass and gravity, the journey in would very painfully (and rudely!) destroy and atomize my lovely Candace.
First, as Candace falls feet first into the event horizon of a black hole, beyond which no light can escape, she would be snapped in half—this is because the gravity at her feet is stronger than the gravity at her head. But it doesn’t stop there—then the halves would snap in half, then their halves would split, and so on and so on until she’s shredded to organic molecules, then atoms, and then atomic particles. And not only is she getting ripped apart, but she’s getting compressed and pushed together, as Dr. Tyson describes, “like toothpaste squeezed through a tube.” The whole process is called “spaghettification” (Tyson, 283-285). What’s even worse is because of the extreme gravity, spacetime warps within and around the black hole, making time go slower closer to it. To me, it would look like Candace never gets inside the black hole; she’d just keep falling slower and slower infinitely. Everyday for the rest of my life I’d wake up to see her falling into a black hole until the light she gives off eventually disappears. But to Candace, time would appear to move normally, she’d pass through the event horizon in a finite time, but the whole universe around her would seem to speed up so fast she’d see it all quickly get destroyed, including me, her boyfriend. And then she’d get spaghettified. I suppose this is probably the only excuse we could have for breaking up.
what would you do if candace grew a beard and everytime you kissed eachother your beards would get all tangled up and you guys couldn't seperate?
Believe it or not, Candace and I have actually practiced this scenario a few times, given the extreme tensile strength of my beard, and because women in Candace’s family have a predilection for growing thick dark hair later in life (we think this skipped over Candace though, do the others areas of her general perfection). We’ve practiced by covering her face with spirit gum and attaching thick tangles of cotton to it, and then affixing it to my beard. Surprisingly, we function pretty well like this. We act just like a single person, except now this person has four arms and four legs, and can do all sorts of stuff. We actually play basketball better this way, and it makes every meal like the meal from Lady and the Tramp. In summation: it’d be great!
I know that I can never hope to infringe on your love for Candace, so I was wondering if you had a brother? A cousin? Possibly a youthful uncle? A miniaturized clone who would live in my sombrero bake brownies for me?
Also, If you had to describe your relationship with Candace as an animal and a basic food group, what would it be?
I have a brother-cousin and an uncle-brother, but I do not have a mini clone. At least not one that can bake. (Charlie is terrible in the kitchen.) (Also, I don’t know why a clone of me is named Charlie. That makes no sense whatsoever.) (I really don’t need to use parenthesis on these.)
My relationship with Candace is like a cat, because out of all the animals it is my favorite, and also because cats are fuzzy and warm (due to fur and homeostasis respectively), which are like the things I feel around Candace. As for food group: whatever one hot hot salsa is in. Because we’re hot. Like salsa. Due to all our passion.
That’s it for this week! Leave questions about my relationship with Candace in the comments and I’ll answer them next week! Also, Candace should be writing an article soon, so look out for that! As always: I love you, Candace.
Tyson, Neil DeGrasse. "Death by Black Hole." Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries. New York: W.W. Norton, 2007. 283-85. Print.