By Chelsea Dagger Apr 19, 2012
The Bourne Legacy
If you can't wait to see The Bourne Legacy, you...
Never sweat, because sweating is for weaklings who are too stupid to remove their sweat-ducts (which you did in a Taiwanese hotel room using only rusty tweezers and your own teeth). You may have won the World Championships of Assassination at the tender age of 11, but the softer side of you just can't get enough those blogs about puppies wearing glasses.
Your personal mantra: "While you were distracted by my impeccably sculpted jawline, I stabbed you 8 times in the head."
Your special skills: Killin' shit, steely gazes, and Pinterest.
Release date: August 3