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Katniss Meets Barbie: One Doll to Rule Us All

Katniss Meets Barbie: One Doll to Rule Us All

Yes, "technically" Katniss is a "Barbie." Still, let's imagine the Katniss Barbie to have all the fire and spirit of real Katniss (and by "real" we mean either Jennifer Lawrence OR Katniss in the book OR me doing Katniss cosplay—choose you own adventure).

Barbie might be an astronaut, rockstar, pet sitter, bus driver, flame eater, nurse, nanny, muse, beekeeper, parking attendant, rollerskating waitress, and NASCAR fan, among many other things—but can she shoot an apple clean out of a pig's mouth?! Can she?!

These two ladies are gonna have words. They're gonna match wits. They're gonna let you, the viewers at home, decide which doll shall reign supreme. (We all know who will reign supreme, but pretend we don't, ok?)

Camping Barbie: I'm ready for the wilderness!

Katniss: Um, ok. Are those capri pants waterproof?

Camping Barbie: No, but they're super cute right?

Katniss: Also, what are those? High heels?

Camping Barbie: Haha! They're wedges, silly!

Katniss: What if a bear attacks?

Camping Barbie: I'm just gonna give its big ol' fuzzy belly a big ol' hug!

Katniss: A bear will maul your face off.

Camping Barbie: Scary! Let's bring Ken! Can you double date?!

Katniss: … Thanks for your consideration. (walks away)

Baby Sitter Barbie: I just love kids.

Katniss: I never get too attached because they might end up dead.

Baby Sitter Barbie: … (walks away, but falls because her Barbie shoes have been mysteriously chewed up. By me.)

Malibu Barbie: I wish it were summer all year long.

Katniss: I don't like the heat that much. I got burned up pretty badly by a fireball in the arena the first time.

Malibu Barbie: The arena? Is that a mall?

Katniss: No, it's the place where they had The Hunger Games. C'mon, you have to have read the books by now.

Malibu Barbie: Red? Is that your favorite color?

Katniss: No, read. Like, R-E-A-D … a book. Word on pages that are bound together in order?

Malibu Barbie: Order? Are you hungry? I like pancakes.

Katniss: Huh?

Malibu Barbie: I'm tan!

Katniss: … (walks away)

Katniss: My mom is a healer. I know a bit about plants, but I'm actually looking for some info on this (holds out flower).

Green Thumb Barbie: My straw hat is so jaunty.

Katniss: Uh, I guess. But seriously, someone has a fever and my mom's out of elderflower.

Green Thumb Barbie: The gingham bow matches my shirt!

Katniss: Babs. You have gardening tools. Have you grown anything?

Green Thumb Barbie: Ew, dirt is dirty!

Katniss: … (walks away)

2006 Holiday Barbie: Can you get me down from this shelf?

Katniss: (shoots arrow, knocks down Barbie)

2006 Holiday Barbie: Thank you so much. Let's gab! OMG WE'RE BRAID TWINSIES!

Katniss: … (shoots arrow, knocks dumb crown off Barbie's head, walks away)

Teen Talk Barbie: I love shopping!

Katniss: I like hunting. It's kind of like shopping I guess, if all those tight dresses had fangs and eyes and could breathe and were human and trying to kill you.

Teen Talk Barbie: Party dresses are fun!

Katniss: I don't know, Barbie. I doubt it. I'm from District 12, where fun means having enough medicine and squirrel meat to survive.

Teen Talk Barbie: Wanna have a pizza party?

Katniss: Are you kidding? Are you from The Capitol?

Teen Talk Barbie: Math class is tough!

Katniss: You're definitely from The Capitol.

Teen Talk Barbie: Do you have a crush on anyone?

Katniss: … (walks away)

Katniss: Finally, someone who looks like they know what they're doing! Do you have a—wait a minute, is your waist the same size as your neck?

Princess of the Vikings Barbie: Yes.

Katniss: … (walks away)

Yep, that went down pretty much exactly how we predicted. Could any Barbie ever be as badass as Katniss?

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Topics: Life, the hunger games
Tags: barbies, the hunger games, funny things, katniss everdeen, hunger games

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Chrissie Gruebel

Chrissie Gruebel is a bunch of things separated by commas, but more often than not, she’s a writer, comedian, and wearer of too many colors at once. Here she is on Twitter: @chrissiegruebel.

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