Straight from the minds of some of your most diabolical Sploggers (Josh Perilo, Chrissie Gruebel, and Brandon Specktor, who would clearly make terrible bullies) come some of the world's least effective insults. Use them with care; they have the potential to wound very, very deeply. (And by "wound very, very deeply" we of course mean "have no effect whatsoever.")
Your dad's a bass player. He can't even handle the rhythm guitar.
Your head is a rhombus. *Marginally more effective if said with a British accent.
You drink water like a tool.
You would get better-looking by 48% if there was an electrical outage and we were plunged into darkness.
You take your shoes off at the movie theater.
Your mom's a sink.
Your face is derivative.
You're less logically sound than a Stephenie Meyer plotline.
Do you even know where Snape's true loyalties lie? Do you?!
You buy your lobster from a vending machine.
Under no circumstances would I ever, ever consider you for the position of Harmonica Player in my Jazz 'n Blues One Direction cover band. Maybe for Trombone Player, though.
Your cursive sucks.
If we were the last two people in the world, and you needed a kidney transplant, and I was a perfect match, I would give you my kidney, but I would resent it like hell.
You're like a less fun version of Chewbacca.
Note: All of these insults will become 6.97% more hurtful if followed by a "BOOM!" and a hip thrust.
What's the best ineffective insult you can come up with?
Related post: Intimidating One(ish) Liners