Yes, that is right, dear “Reiders” (can I start calling you that now? I feel like we’re close enough for such terms of affection), I am starting a new weekly advice column here on The MindHut. The concept is simple: ask me for advice, and I will in turn give you the worst possible advice I can come up with.
Some of you may doubt me, thinking, “But Reid, your life has been if nothing else a series of profoundly good decisions! You of all people must have only good advice!” This is where you are wrong. To prove my merits, here is but a small smattering of the bad advice I have given people in the past:
“Don’t doubt yourself, the world needs a Ghost Rider movie.”
“You know what would go great with all this natural gas? An open flame.”
“What are you talking about? Of course Ghost Rider needs a sequel.”
“You should tell Cersei you discovered her affair with Jaime. She’ll understand.”
“What’s her name? Adele? Dumb name. Dump her.”
“Let’s. Watch. Curling.”
“What? There’s no way love is somehow an intensely powerful kind of magic. That’s way too deus ex machina to be real. Come on, let’s get to Godrics’s Hollow!”
“Fish doesn’t go bad.”
“Most vaccines are just placebos anyway. Polio? That sounds like a word you just made up.”
“No, it’s definitely not 9-1-1. I’m pretty sure it’s just 9-1. Why would you need to hit the 1 twice? That seems unnecessary.”
“No, no, no, those are just your baby legs, you grow another pair later. Now please, let’s finish the magic trick.”
“You don’t need to cook chicken, that’s just a myth—like polio.”
“You should keep writing more turtle facts, people will probably never get tired of them.”
I don’t quite know what my beef is with polio—I’ve got some issues I need to work out apparently. Anyway, here’s what I need from you: I need some advice questions. They can be about anything: love, television, food, whether or not to write me a very complimentary letter, what compliments to include in your very complimentary letter, which forms of payment would be suitable to insert between the pages of a very complimentary letter, taxes. Just be sure to leave your questions in the comments, and I’ll tell you terrible terrible advice in the next article! I thank you in advance for what are probably heartfelt questions, which I will shamelessly offer no aid to whatsoever.