1. When he kisses you, steampunk music erupts from the warehouse next door, as if by magic.
2. His recipe for vegan potato chowder includes a dash of James Franco.
3. Your crush can’t read the recipe for steel cut groats without his Buddy Holly glasses on.
4. Your man is super enlightened about feminist issues, and calls his mom “Maureen” and his dad “A corporate affront to man’s natural state.”
5. Despite never using sunscreen, your date retains a soft complexion the color of beeswax candles.
6. Your boyfriend calls the space between his beard and bangs “the meeting place,” or “Austin, TX,” for short.
7. The local diner has no ketchup on the tables. Instead, pipettes of truffle oil.
8. Your boyfriend’s shirt size is plaid one-size-fits-all-hipsters.
9. You find cairns of river rocks stacked around the house, directing hikers between the vegetable patch and quiet beanbag room.
10. Instead of dishwashing liquid, there is a single cut grapefruit on the sink, to be rubbed gently over eating surfaces after use.
11. Instead of wearing pants, your date wraps his legs in denim bandages each morning.
12. Your date made his own rocking chair. Out of old typewriters.
13. Your boyfriends bicycle has no gears or brakes, or seat, or handlebars, as he likes to keep things “pure.”
14. Your crush is going for a bachelor of arts from Washtub Bass College in Burlington, Vermont.
15. When you try to put your arm around your date, his slim shoulders shrink inward, until you are left hugging an organic broom from Ecuador with a hipster-fro.
16. Your boycrush is working on an “untitled” film project. When you peek at the project on his MacBook Air, it turns out to be called “Mr. Baseball” and stars Tom Selleck.