It's the end of an era, Sparklers. I used to think of myself as a paragon of oral health, an exemplar of the dental ideal, an inspiration to hygienists everywhere. But today, I have been stripped of those titles. Today, I had my first cavity filled. Braving the needles and the Novocaine, I kept my wits about me so I could blog my experience. Any of this sound familiar?
I'm getting a clip-on paper bib. Okay, that means things are gonna get messy. There will be drool.
Hmm. Classical music is kind of relaxing...
What is this stuff called? Gum number? But that sounds like gum number (1,2,3). Maybe it would be gum numb-er? Haha. That would be a good band name. "Thanks for coming, everybody! We're the Gum Numb-ers!"
This stuff kind of tastes like cherry cough syrup with the power of a thousand Anbesols. Ick.
Okay, the needle's coming—the one the size of a KNITTING NEEDLE! Hold the phone! Is that thing for horses?!? I'll close my eyes. Why did I look?
He says I'll feel "a pinch." That's what they always say. If a pinch feels like the sting of a tracker jacker. That cherry stuff better work.
Hey, I don't feel a thing. Cool, this isn't so... wait. I can't feel my lip. Am I not supposed to be able to feel my lip? I can't feew mu wip!
They're moving me to another room. Ostensibly one where the patients in the waiting room can't hear me scream. Great.
My lips are dry but when I try to lick them I feel this droopy thing going on with my mouth like I'm trying to frown and say the word "peanut" at the same time.
Wow, there are lots of pointy, sharp things on that tray. Does that bottle say "flammable"?
Time to unhinge my jaw like that guy in the old Reach toothbrush commercial. Wider?!
That watercolor painting on the wall could use a little more depth, maybe some more definition in the clouds. Oh, it's by someone in his family. I shouldn't be so quick to judge. Lovely watercolor, doc!
It sounds like there's a lumber yard inside of my mouth.
This is actually kind of boring. I'm sleepy. Does Novocaine make you sleepy? Do you think it's possible to nap through a cavity filling? I bet I could. I'm quite a good sleeper.
Senior photos of his son and daughter. They look like nice kids. Hey, his daughter is the one suctioning spit out of my mouth! Should I tell her that's a nice photo? No, that's weird.
Still bored. I want to shut my mouth. What's going on in there? I wish I could see it. It would be a lot cooler if I could see it. They should set up some kind of mirror system. Or give me goggles with a live feed of the inside of my mouth. Maybe in 3D. That would be cool.
It kind of smells like burnt firecrackers. Is that what burning teeth smell like?
If I just chomped down right now I could do some damage to this guy. He must really trust me.
Oh good, that looks like putty. We've gotten to the filling part. I wish it was solid gold. Or some kind of metal that sets off the metal detector at the airport, so I could be like, "Don't worry. It's just my teeth." I bet Lil' Wayne gets to say that all the time. And Mike Tyson.
There's some sort of ultraviolet light wand they stick in my mouth. Can I see the light through my head or is it just sunlight from the window? I think it's shining through my head. I'm gonna go with that. My head is translucent.
Swish. Spit. Bite. Swish. Spit. Swish. Spit.
And we're done. That was it? That was nothing. I won't be eating soup in public this afternoon, but for putting another hole in my head, that was pretty painless. Now, where's my balloon?
Have you had a cavity filled? Could you nap through dental work?
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Out, Damn Teeth