10 Things You Just Gotta Do With Someone Before You Seriously Date Them
1. Fix Something. Together. Then you'll know if you can work together, or if you make each other want to @*&$#(@#^@&#$!ing kill each other. Stay away from things that can explode or damage polyester. In fact, try something that is impossible not to fix, so there will be less stress. Like fix an omelet. Omelets are easy.
2. Actually, That's A Good One. You Should Cook Something Together. Cooking is a team exercise, especially if the only bags of flour you have weigh 400 pounds and you have to drag them down from ye olde general shoppe. (This is if you live in olden times.) You'll also learn what kind of things he likes and does not like. AND, as a either fun or dangerous exercise, you'll discover what he is allergic to. Are the two of you going to be able to spend a relationship full of shellfish together? Now's the time to find out.
3. Do Something Neither Of You Have Done Before. If you go to a hip hop class together and you are the queen of hip hop, your date is going to be embarrassed. You'll be up in the front of the class dirty dancing, and he'll be like, in the back, wearing the wrong clothes, without anyone to teach him how to Dougie. If he is a pro-wrestler and you both compete in a pro-wrestling match against each other, you're going to get your booty whooped, probably. Unless you're Uma Therman. There are probably lots of flirty WWF moves he could pull, but when you're lying there in the hospital in traction, you'll probably think they're not worth it. You want to both be equally out of your comfort zones to even the playing field.
4. Notice How They Are With Waiters, Janitors, and Old People. If he treats people in the service industry crummy, he is crummy. And if he gets short-tempered with semi-annoying old people, he is heartless, unappreciative, and also crummy. Notice how much he tips waiters. When he drops garbage on the floor, does he bend over to pick it up? Or does he grind it into the carpet with his steel-toed boots (another sign he might be crummy. People sometimes kick dogs with those things!)? If an old lady asks him to reach some prunes from the top shelf at the grocery store, does he help or does he say "Sorry, sister! If you can't run with the big dogs, you need to stay on the porch!"? Because contextually, that doesn't make a lot of sense. So this person might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, either.
5. Travel Somewhere Together. Make sure it is some place where you can get lost. So if you drive, drive somewhere impossible like a complicated city. If you don't have a car, get lost in someone's large, looming housing development. Those places can be scarier than a jungle full of wombats. Bring a map, and if he yells at you about the map, your driving, or your navigation skills, he's not fit to be in a relationship. Bad people yell about directions and maps. It's a fact.
6. Dance. How you dance with someone will reveal a lot about your chemistry. Also, this is a little unfair but it must be said: if he is a FLIPPING AMAZING DANCER, like a little too good of one, he might be gay. It's what the stereotypes tell us, and sometimes stereotypes are right. Right?
7. Get Into a Fight. Not a physical one. Especially if you are still testing out that WWF fighter. Not even a thumb-war one, because everyone cheats in thumb wars. It's meaningless. But if you agree about everything, you are in a Disney movie and we just don't believe you. Figure out something you don't TOTALLY mesh on, and work it out. Don't pick fights with the person. Don't call his mama a buttface. But if he says something like "You know what? I hate Lunchables they are so nasty" you gotta stand up because that is so wrong.
8. Hang Out With His Friends. If they have a nickname for your potential love muffin that's like "THE BEAST MAN," or "THE TOENAIL TEARER," you might want to reconsider introducing this person to your parents. Is this still the WWF guy? It kind of sounds like it.
9. Sick Your Dog/Hamster/Pet Rooster On Him. Animals know best. If your pet poops on him, that's a good sign. It means they're comfortable and do not feel threatened. But then you're in a pickle, kind of, because your hamster just pooped on your new boyfriend.
10. Be Bored Together. It's easy to get along with someone and want to date them if it's all fun and ponies and cracker jack jokes all the time. But what if things get a little boring? Look at your parents—they are boring all the time. And they've been together for centuries. Sometimes boring is okay in a relationship. Sometimes it is needed. And if you're going to be with someone for the long haul, you need to know that during those times of "meh," you're still totally ga-ga.