The traditional high five is hopelessly uncool—as illustrated by the fact that Chelsea Dagger does it ALL THE TIME. If you want to update your hand-on-hand contact, check out our suggestions below. And stop high-fiving Chelsea, guys. Please.
1. Cut off your hand and attach a rocket-launcher to your wrist. Then attach your severed hand to said rocket-launcher. Launch your hand at the severed hand of your friend. (Works best if you have a friend who's willing to sever his hand.)
2. Dress all your fingers up like tiny guys, and have your friend dress all her fingers up like tiny girls. Then interlock your fingers and host a make-out sesh. (Note: this is going to get creepy REAL fast.)
3. Buy a broadsword or any other sharp medieval weapon. Every time someone approaches you with their hand help up, strike off their arm at the shoulder and declare, "That was for my brother, you son of a dog!"
4. Fill your palm with glitter and blow that shizz right into someone's eyes. They may not appreciate the temporary/permanent blindness, but they'll definitely appreciate that you didn't just give them a lame old high five.
5. Put a healthy amount of steamed pudding into a trebuchet and fire at will.
6. Decoupage. Figure it out.
7. Pile your hands on top of the hands of your friends until you have a veritable stack of hands. Pretend those hands are pancakes. Pour melted butter on top. This is called "The Slap-Stack."
8. Choreograph an elaborate magic show and perform it every time you run into your pal Stanley. Make sure Stanley brings the rabbit.
9. Punch your friend in the nose, then take him by the shoulders, stare deep into his eyes, and whisper "You killed the man who set you free." Hug him fiercely while a single tear runs down your cheek.
10. Upside-down high five.
What's your best alternative to the high five?
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