Did you know it's National Poetry Month? In its honor, we present: Ode to My Crush.
If you were a microwavable treat, I think you shouldst
be a Hot Pocket, for your unassuming outer crust,
which conceals the melding of exciting new artificial flavors
and corn kernels! right when I expect broccoli.
I handle you carefully, noting the cardboard sleeve
that separates your soul from mine, for now.
If thou werest an ironic t-shirt, ye might read
“strong arm of the lawn” with a picture of a lawn
mower, for ye are always cracking the funnies;
or “I brake for no-on” with a picture of a sleeping
man in a sun chair, because how ye love to nap
endears you more—p.s. might you have mono?
If thouest were a camping chair, you would have a
sensible, but skinny emo-y frame that deploys
to an adequate size, and allows room for a drink
to be kept safely in the armrest (because that is the
kind of thoughtful fellow ye are). You would never snap shut
on me, nor mind me sitting in your lap.
If youst were a cable television show, you would resemble
Law and Order: SVU, because you are SPECIAL indeed,
and there’s lots to examine in your fine character at
the DNA level, plus when I see you there are SIRENS
going off, and the world is better looking, dressed in smart
business casual attire with its thinking face on.
If y’all were a country song, y’all would employ tasteful
use of haystacks in your music video, and have an
admirable amount of stubble on your beautiful face,
while you sing about trucks and broken hearts,
and about your broken heart driving a pickup truck,
because your heart can drive a manual transmission.
If you were to be the seventh inning stretch, crowds
would wish you to never end, their hands tickling the sky
as nacho cheese congeals at their feet and they sing,
chests puffed with the wondrousness of you, who
brings us all together, and keeps us from developing
deep vein thrombosis after a long game.
If you were mine, dear Hot Pocket,
think of the things we could screen print on our t-shirts,
like "I'd rather be SCREENPRINTING" or
"Hug a SCREENPRINTER" or
"Honk if you're ornery." Or
"You complete meteor," with a picture of the whole galaxy. Because that's how much I crush on you.
Got an ode to your crush? Write it in the comments!