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Makeup We Wish Existed

Makeup We Wish Existed

It seems like every time we turn around, we see an advertisement for a brand new patent-pending, secret-formula, peptide-enhanced, alpha-hydroxy must-have makeup product with tri-glyceride technology and mineralized wrinkle erasers. In truth, it sucks us in every time. "Pigment minimizing moisture beads!" we squeal with glee in the Walgreen's beauty aisle. "How did I ever live without them?"

But to our knowledge, no makeup company has yet developed one of these truly revolutionary products. Makeup moguls, we hereby challenge you to make the following makeups REAL in EXISTING TRUE REALITY:

Eyeshadow that changes the color of your eyes through optical illusion. Yes, we know there are colored contact lenses, but those require touching your eyeball, which is a known cause of eyeball warts.*

*not a known cause of eyeball warts

Edible lipstick. It's one thing for a lip gloss to taste like Boston cream pie. It's another thing entirely to be made of Boston cream pie. Now, that product we would apply 8,000 times a day.

Foundation that makes you look smarter. Anyone can produce cosmetics that make you look prettier, but making someone look more intelligent would be a true coup. Perhaps there can be different shades, like Street Smart, Well-Read, Math Nerd, and Musical Savant.

Eyeliner that truly changes the shape of your eyes. It sounds kind of painful, but, hey, beauty is pain, 'mirght, Song dynasty court dancers? You want almond-shaped eyes today? Use the pencil to tug the edges of your eyes that way. Cat-eye tomorrow? Redraw.

Deodorant that makes your sweat smell like perfume. Deodorant is not technically "makeup," but it's a cosmetic product whose point is to make our imperfect animal bodies bearable to members of the opposite sex and society at large. We want our deo to actually make us smell spring fresh, not act like a funky odor mask. There is a difference.

Blush that burns calories. The rosy glow of conventional blush makes you look like you just ran a leisurely mile, but this blush would actually trick your body into thinking you did.

Nail polish you can write with. It would turn the tip of your finger into a pen. No more fishing for writing utensils in your bookbag or purse!

Mascara that gives you x-ray vision. Why not?

Concealer that makes you look older, not younger. This might not work in the over-20 market, but it would kill in the teen market.

A makeup brush that talks to you. It would tell you funny jokes to make you laugh in the morning and instruct you on where exactly to apply your powder and blush. ("Warmer, warmer. There! Put it right there. That's the apple.")

Paler (the opposite of bronzer) that makes you sparkle like a vampire. The Elizabethans were into pale makeup, but we'd like ours with less lead and more diamonds, please.

What makeup R&D would you like to see?

Related post: Super Soakers, and Other Amazing Inventions

Topics: Beauty
Tags: inventions, makeup, makeup week

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About the Author

Kathryn Williams is the author of three YA novels but only one with an Oxford comma in the title. She is a Taurus and hates writing bios. Check out her website,, and follow her on Twitter @kathrynwauthor.

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