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The 10 Worst Kinds of Facebook Status Updates

The 10 Worst Kinds of Facebook Status Updates

By Melissa Albert

Facebook jail: it isn't a real thing, but wouldn't it be great if it was? We could quarantine all the world's most annoying Facebook users into one designated area, where they'd walk around in circles commenting "HUH?" on everyone else's updates, posting photos of themselves doing duckface in the bathroom mirror, and changing their relationship status to "Married" after one week of dating their latest SO. And these ten types of status updaters would qualify for immediate deportation to a Facebook-free zone:

The person who thinks their life is better than yours. "Totally jamming 2 ke$$$ha right now LOL MY LIFE IS kRAYZEEEE shut up yr just jealous XD"

The person whose life is better than yours. "On my way to NASA, turns out my science fair project is actually a working time machine. G2G, Logan Lerman calling!"

The person who humblebrags. "Why do people keep thinking I'm a professional model?!? As if a model would wear an old T-shirt to the grocery store, I look soooo gross!!!"

The person who thinks everything they do is fascinating. "Daily Sock Update: Green with white toes! lololol Eating triscuits sooo good"

The person who is your mom. "SWEETIE YOUR FATHER SET ME UP A MYFACE ACCOUNT NOW I CAN 'LIKE' YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS LOVE MOM"

The person you were friends with in third grade but have nothing in common with now, because they are insane. "Learning to sterilize bear urine for next week's survivalist retreat! Will come in handy when the government shuts down the food supply chain."

The angry person who has an opinion on everything but doesn't seem to understand how anything actually works.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CANCELED THE PLAYBOY CLUB BUT BONES GOT RENEWED FOR ANOTHER SEASON STUPID OBAMACARE"

The person who won't just tell you what's wrong. "Another day, another disaster. I have to carry on despite it all. If only someone could understand..."

The person whose improper use of emphasis makes your brain explode. Totallyyyyy tirrrred WISH I DIDN'T have to gooo to SCHOOL todaaaaayy.

The person who quotes themselves in order to help you live your best life. "Try to focus on the problems you can change, not the ones beyond your control. Look outside: is the sun shining? You don't even know what kind of beautiful day you could have! -Me"

Which type of FB status update do you hate the most?

Related post: Identifying the Typical Female Facebooker

Topics: Life, The Internets
Tags: facebook, guides, annoying things, status updates, pet peeves, funny things, annoying people, tips

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.