Wilderness Survival Tips For When You Inevitably Get Picked for The Hunger Games
You never win anything cool, but somehow your name has been picked to be a tribute in The Hunger Games. This really stinks. We're here to tell you: you can do this! You have a huge advantage over the other tributes: you read The Hunger Games trilogy, you saw the movie twice already, and you have this handy dandy list of tips for surviving the wilderness. We'd say print it out, but unless you shove the list up your nose you probably won't be able to bring it to the games. So either memorize it or tattoo it on your body. May the odds be in your favor. (You knew we were gonna say that.)
Know what a cornucopia is. You're going to have to run toward it at some point.
Bad berries or good berries? Not sure? Bake them in a pie. Alllllllll berries taste good in pies. You might still die from poisonous berries, but mmmmm pieesssss.
Righty tighty, lefty loosy. We're not sure when this will come in handy, but we figure it's a pretty good thing to know.
Learn how to season bark. With bark spices. Served on a piece of bark. Need a little variety in your diet? Try a bark sandwich.
If you're hungry and you know it clap your hands! That did nothing. But it's kind of fun.
Become BFFs with the muttations. Sure, they look blood thirsty. But they used to be us—we have a lot in common. Woo them with a pickup line (“I think I've been stung by a trackerjacker... because you look so good I must be hallucinating!”) Compliment them on their incredibly sharp teeth. And if they say “All the better to eat you with!,” run away. They aren’t in the mood.
Before you go, download the Katniss app. For only 99 cents, it will shoot eagles and test berries and climb trees for you.
Hypnotize the other tributes into dancing the Michael Jackson Thriller dance. It might not help you survive, but wouldn’t that be amazing?
Invest in a pair of Peeta Pumps. They are really just pita pockets you wear on your shoes, but they will silence your stomping as you make it through the wilderness. Too bad Peeta Pumps were invented after Peeta was a tribute in the games.
Learn to identify dangerous wild animal poop. If you see fresh muttation poop, eww! That’s gross and there is a muttation nearby. If you see fresh mouse poop, eww! That is still kind of nasty.
Practice your knife skills, like a nice julienne cut. Then you can dice carrots for a refreshing salad, or your opponents’ limbs.
Remember this important live saving tip for when you get sliced by an arrow or an opponent’s knife: scream like a little girl. You know that despite all you know about first aid, that’s all you’re gonna do anyway.
Procure an invisible cape. Oh shoot. Wrong YA series. There are no invisible capes in the wilderness. You’re out of luck.
Don’t forget to practice food safety. The five second rule still rings true in the wilderness.
And if worse comes to worse, just scream to the sky, “Haymitch, seriously dude? What the freak. Throw me a freaking bone, here,” in hopes he will throw you vital medicine or food. If he actually throws you a bone, make a mental note to give him an atomic wedgie when you get back to the Capitol.
How would YOU survive in the Games?