Hold the phone. We've got an idea. It's Keeping Up with the Kardashians meets Survivor. It's Big Brother meets Gladiator. It's I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here meets a show you'd actually want to watch. It's Celebrity Hunger Games.
Hear us out, Hollywood. You arrange your own Hunger Games, pitting celebrities from different "districts" of Los Angeles against one another in the Staples Center. The arena is divided into four quadrants: desert, rainforest, New York subway system, and Chili's Grill & Bar. Tributes must not only survive each other but also sewer rats the size of tabby cats, overcooked potato skins, and paparazzi disguised as spider monkeys. We've even cast your tributes for you:
Kim Kardashian - Kim's favored weapon is her own backside. She squashes opponents between her mighty buttocks, a move she likes to call the Kardashian Squeeze. She surprises everyone by receiving a perfect 12 training score as well as a write-in that just says "hubba hubba" from the all-male panel of Gamemakers.
Siegfried & Roy - The oldest tributes in the Celebrity Hunger Games, Roy volunteers to take the other tribute's place at the Reaping, so he can join Siegfried in the arena. The two manage to get a special dispensation from the Capitol to bring their white tiger as their weapon. They ride him into battle and then unleash him on other tributes.
Madonna - Madge (no relation), a career tribute, defends herself only with extreme yoga moves and her sinewy arms of steel cable, which she refers to in an interview with Caesar Flickerman as her "two tickets to the gun show."
Ian Somerhalder - The Vampire Diaries actor fixes opponents with his smoldering stare until they collapse in a quivering, drooling heap. Unfortunately for him, this tactic seems to work only on the female tributes and Siegfried and Roy. Capitol watchers will call him "the next Finnick."
Heidi Montag - In an unprecedented turn of events, Heidi is unanimously nominated by her district (District 24, The Hills, which produces silicone) as tribute. In fact, her name is the only one in the bowl at the Reaping. Heidi fights by injecting advancing opponents with Botox during hand-to-hand combat, paralyzing their muscles in tiny increments.
Chelsea Dagger - The Sparkitor's weapon is an unlikely two-fer. Not only does she subsist on Cheez-Its in the arena, she also throws them like ninja stars. Unfortunately, her body's high levels of perspiration make it unlikely she will survive the first day in the desert quadrant of the arena. Luckily, we suspect Sparklers will send her lots of Gatorade.
P. Diddy - Everyone discounts Diddy, despite the thorough preparations he receives from his mentor, Jennifer Lopez. His favored weapon in the arena, particularly potent in the subway quadrant, where tributes are forced to stand very close together in un-air conditioned subway cars, is Sean Jean cologne. He sprays it into attackers' eyes, temporarily blinding them so he can kick them in the shins and run away.
Nicki Minaj - A wily survivor who plays mindgames with the other tributes, Nicki's primary weapon is her nails, but she comes away from the Cornucopia with several pairs of stiletto heels, which she uses to stab opponents.
Lady Gaga - Lady Gaga's stylists have no idea what to do with her. She insists on wearing a dress made of vulcanized rubber, so they finally decide to market her to the Capital as the Girl on Tire. Gaga likes to hide knives in her hair and makes the first kill of the Games (Heidi Montag).
Daniel Radcliffe - Daniel receives the lowest training score of all the tributes when the Gamemakers discover that he is not, in fact, a wizard. A conflicted and confusing relationship with his mentor, Severus Snape, leaves Daniel unsure of who to trust in the Games. Without many sponsors, Daniel's only weapons are prop wands that he pocketed from the set of the Harry Potter movies.
Miley Cyrus - Worth an estimated $120 million, Miley doesn't need to rely on any sponsors parachuting in measly matches and antibiotics. Her weapon is straight-up gold nuggets, slingshoted at your forehead. Her mentors are the Olsen twins.
Which celebrity tribute would have the odds in his/her favor?
Related post: What's Your Hunger Games Name?