Imagine the scene: you’re lying on the hood of a car with that boy/girl you have a crush on, and you’re both gazing into a clear night sky. It’s full of stars, because in this scene you’re in Wyoming for some reason. The boy/girl turns to you and says, “Tell me about the stars, honey/baby cakes.” You go through the standards—the North Star, Sirius, the Big Dipper—but he/she very quickly grows bored. “Geez, don’t you know any other constellations? You are so pathetic!” And just like that you completely messed up all the makeouts that were coming your way. Admit it: your lackluster passion for astronomy is ruining your life. I say it’s time to take a stand and finally do something about it—let’s learn some astronomy!
Of course everyone knows the major, “mainstream” constellations, but there are so many more. These lesser-known entities are harder to spot and have more questionable origins, but they’ll be sure to impress your lady/man-person.
The Ron Weasley
Often ignored due to its being “sorta gross,” this classic depiction of Ron Weasley in mid-slug-vomit graces the western sky during the summer months. Children born under this constellation are more likely to be gingers, jealous, and generally angsty in a nonspecific way. The easiest way to spot the Ron is to look for a slight red tint in the hair region, caused by a red shift of the light from a distant nebula. This one is a keeper.
Taurus (the car)
This constellation is an affordable sedan with only 1% APR financing. It appears ironically during the month of “Toyotathon,” and has an option of cloth or lush leather interior. You like this constellation, don’t you—how can I convince you to leave the lot with this constellation today?
A Pile of Confetti
Astronomers either accurately or lazily (it’s unsure which) call this constellation “a pile of confetti,” probably due to their lack of imagination. It’s probably because their parents never read to them. It truly is a shame. Let this be a lesson to parents: read to you astronomers. You can locate this constellation by finding any of the similar star groupings nearby, including: The Handful of Pebbles, A Bunch of Rice That Fell on the Ground, and A Man’s Sneeze on the Bathroom Mirror constellation.
A Nice Pair of Khakis
This constellation is snug fitting and an iconic if not overlooked feature of the Business Casual Belt, a professional yet laid back region of the evening sky. Horoscopes for this are always the same: “Why don’t you wear some khakis today? They look great!” Sometimes it is also referred to as A Good Pair of Slacks. When you wish upon this star, all the wishes end up flavored with a classic khaki-twist. “I wish I had $100!” “Hey, who wants $100 in khakis?” “I wish I was the president!” “Hey, those are some real nice khakis, what are you, the president of khakis?” Just like that.
Orion’s Fanny Pack
Though harder to find than Orion’s Belt, most astronomers agree this constellation is far more useful on the go. Orion can keep anything in this–keys, chapstick, camera, sunscreen. It often appears when Orion goes to Disneyland or when he visits historical landmarks in the Midwest, or when Orion just wants to be both very practical and very fashionable.
Did we miss any?