An "Entirely Accurate" Guide To Tarot Cards
Tarot cards—how do they work?! We consulted several different websites (all featuring pictures of angels), and learned, among other things, that tarot does not rhyme with carrot. But then words like "cups" and "wands" and "hierophant" started being bandied around, it all got very mystical, and it was really tempting to just draw a moustache on the Priestess card and be done. Any system of fortune-telling in which a picture of a pretty lady means death while a picture of actual Death means you're going to get a new haircut seems highly disreputable, however, we are nothing if not disreputable, so here is a beginners guide to tarot cards for your enlightenment. In keeping with the spirit of fortune-telling, it is 100% fact-free.
The Major Arcana
Tarot decks have 78 cards, which seems like 77 too many. Ideally, a tarot deck would consist of just one card that said "Everything is going to be fine," but we don't live in a perfect world. 56 of the cards seem just like normal playing cards, except they're dressed up in tinfoil cloaks and insisting on being called "The Princess of Swords." The remaining 22 cards make up the Major Arcana. Think of them as the cool kids of the tarot deck. Much like the cool kids at school, they predict whether you are going to lead a long and happy life, or spontaneously combust within the next 7 minutes. Here's what they mean, we assume:
The Fool: You failed kindergarten and no one ever told you.
The Magus: Now you have to pronounce "Magus" out loud, and you don't know how. This card represents pure fear.
The Priestess: You're just a good person. Or a soulless monster. Could go either way.
The Empress: We don't know, but she hasn't spoken to the Emperor in weeks.
The Emperor: Spends a lot of time texting the Priestess, if you know what we mean.
The Hierophant: Nothing like an elephant, surprisingly.
The Lovers: Are not you.
The Chariot: You're going to get a flat tire.
Adjustment: Surprise! You're homeless.
The Hermit: You will soon make an old man very angry.
Fortune: You're about to have your wallet stolen. Today, next year, who knows? Stay alert.
Strength: Have you thought about going to the gym? Just saying.
The Hanged Man: Rarely anatomically correct, this card symbolises a future filled with either spiders or candy.
Death: You win at tarot! Also, death. Or change! But mostly death.
Art: Your paintings are works of staggering genius, but your poems make puppies cry.
The Devil: You will soon suffer from poor dental hygiene. Your own, or someone elses? Time will tell.
The Tower: The real estate market is going to cause you grief this year.
The Star: It's in your best interests to enter as many coloring competitions as possible.
The Moon: You're going to be affected by werewolves in the near future.
The Sun: Blinding arrogance. Who do you even think you are?
The Universe: Everyone complains about how long you take to get ready in the mornings.
Did we miss any? Do you ever use tarot cards?