By now you’ve heard that JK Rowling has a deal to write a new book. Instead of throwing her words at the YA crowd, her next novel will be aimed at adults. A grown up Harry Potter? Maybe. A sexy Harry Potter? Probably not. A Harry Potter book that uses “Blast Ended Skrewt” as a verb? Hopefully.
While the world waits to read what the magical wordsmith has in store, here’s what we predict.
Harry Potter and the Failing Wizardry Economy
Harry Potter can’t escape the brutal truth of economics. It’s no surprise that the wizarding world’s economy toppled. What do you expect when the only jobs available are either teacher, Dark Lord, shop owner, government employee, or orphan? That world cannot sustain itself; it’s simple business 101. When Harry and Ginny find themselves without jobs, Harry tries to use his fame as a marketing tool and begins selling “Potter Peeps” at Etsy.com. (Potter Peeps are Popsicle sticks with googly eyes.) Ginny, unsatisfied with her husband, finds comfort in the arms of an old friend. Without giving away spoilers, Chapter 21 is titled, “What’s For Deaner?” Oh, and Ron gets Wizard Lupus in a harrowing tale of strength and compassion that ends with a funeral and a lesson learned: Live your life!
The Girl with the Dragon, Tattoo
It’s about a sexually assaulted young women who helps solve murders using her street smarts and high-tech knowhow. Also? She owns a dragon named “Tattoo.”
Yep, They’re In Love. (Hope You're Happy)
Rowling succumbs to slash fiction fans and finally allows Harry and Draco to hold hands in a more-than-friends way. The story is just one long picnic scene that is interrupted by a rain shower. You brought this on yourselves, slash fiction authors!
Cribbing the title from a chapter in The Order of the Phoenix, this brutally honest look at Hagrid’s unsavory past holds nothing back. Finally we’re mature enough to read about Hagrid’s nightmarish life before he became the Hogwarts groundskeeper. This is not for the squeamish, or those who object to foul language and depravity and sorrow. Think Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, but more so.
Ronning on Empty: Spring Break Ron
Feeling bad for Rupert Grint, JK writes this sleazy novel that is simply page after page of Ron partying and having wild adventures in Cancun. Many suspect Rupert had a hand in writing it, as evident by the chapter entitled: "Wouldn't It Be Cool If Ron Fought a Shark?"
What do you think her next book will be about?