If you're just waking up, wondering why you aren't at school right now, take a minute to thank America's two greatest historical figures who aren't Beyonce.
Presidents' Day—known in select Canadian provinces as Family Day (real talk) and in The UK as Bugger Off Lowborn Scum And Enjoy Centuries of Bi-Partisan Bickering And Just The Most Mediocre Tea And Crumpets…Day (hyperbolic talk)—is easily the most important Uniform Monday Holiday in America except for all the others.
Today we honor the birth of our first president, George "El Guapo Foppo" Washington, as well as our nation's 16th president, Abraham "Snooki" Lincoln, by sitting around and appreciating the hard-fought freedom to stay home from school that would not be possible but for centuries of bloody war and political rigmarole. If your classes weren't canceled today, tough dice; just be thankful you haven't got tuberculosis or British soldiers quartered in your living room.
Here are some traditional ways to spend this patriotic day:
Period clothing can be a hassle to find, especially with the Smithsonian being closed today and impervious to all but Nicolas Cage levels of lighthearted historical thievery. Fortunately, assembling a passable George Washington costume is as easy as raiding your grandma's bathroom and boudoir. With a lily-white foundation of talcum powder, two baboon's-butt-globs of red blush, and the frilliest bloomers in gam gam's wardrobe, you'll be fighting off the landowners asking you to ratify their articles of confederation in no time! Remember: if you're the president it isn't considered cross-dressing; you're just posh.
If your hatchet swings more toward Honest Abe's orchard, look online for nifty instructions on how to assemble your own replica stovepipe hat out of common household items like a stovepipe and some hats.
Lincoln, a noted lumberjack, vampire hunter, and beacon of all that is manly, was reportedly capable of growing a full, beautifully groomed beard within seconds simply by closing his eyes and concentrating super hard. True patriots should be able to do the same; work on that.
Muster A Presidential Appetite
Similar to Valentines Day, today's Wash/Lincoln fest is prime time to scout deals on presidential-themed meals. Popular bargains include:
Red Lobster's Washingtomato Bisque
Denny's AbraSpam and LinCorn
Olive Garden's Spaghettysburg Address
Tippecanoe and Tyler Two-For-One Corn Dogs
Finally, be sure to grab a bushel (that's 18th century talk for "Thing") of Presidents' Day Candy Hearts, known for such presidential pickup lines as "Emancipate My Heart,""I Wanna 4 Score With You," and "I Cannot Tell A Lie: U R Smokin'."
Attend Congress' 3rd Annual Presi-Dental Wooden Teeth Bash
Our beleaguered members of the House and Senate could spend this federal holiday with their loved ones back home, but instead they have selflessly offered to keep alive a new tradition that is quickly becoming one of the most singularly patriotic events in national memory. Meet your local representative between noon and 7 pm today behind the Washington Monument, and he or she will gladly batter your face with 2x4s until all your un-patriotic "permanent" teeth are replaced with replica George Washington wooden choppers. All this, free of charge. Now that's a deal worth sinking your teeth (wink!) into.
Visit The World's Largest Lincoln Log
President Lincoln famously illustrated his knowledge of architecture and woodcraft when he said: "A house divided cannot stand, and a house built only of the tiniest Lincoln Logs stacked crosswise one atop the other until they collapse is not technically a house at all, Derek, it's just kind of a waste of all the small pieces, and I wish you'd share some with the rest of us."
Now, one Hodgenville, Kentucky man has claimed to discover the world's largest Lincoln Log, allegedly carved and preserved by Honest Abe himself. Skeptics who say, "that's just a log," are mocking the sanctity of this day, are clearly traitors to our nation, and should be tarred and feathered post-haste.
Reassemble George Washington
Popular legend has it that George Washington never actually died, but rather was sealed away by a league of dark wizards in collusion with the freemasons, KGB (which in the 18th century was known as The Order of Rasputin's Beard) and wealthiest representatives of the pro cherry-tree lobby. To diminish Washington's superhuman strength and sense of justice, his essence was transmuted into a series of metal disks and paper portraits bearing his image, then scattered about the globe. It is said if every single quarter and one dollar bill in existence can be acquired and united upon Mount Vernon on the anniversary of the First President's birth, he will return to lead us from British tyranny once and for all time. Get crackin', team George. We hear your mom's wallet and the convenience store down the street may be good places to start the hunt.
What are your presidential plans today? Us Sparkitors are the only people in New York who have to work, so we'll be marching around the office in gamgam's bloomers and preachin' the Sphagettysburg Address at the top of our lungs.