Who cares about "fire engine red" or "berry blush?" We need gloss colors with some actual meaning behind them, like:
Snot: This clear, viscous gloss adds amazing shine and luster. That is, until the wind blows and your hair gets stuck in it, leaving you with an ectoplasmic mess stretched across your face.
Rocket Pop: You know that weird, grayish-purple tinge you get around your mouth after chowing down one of these icy confections? All that mouth zombification, but in a gloss.
Sisterhood of the Traveling Gloss: This oddly perfect shade looks awesome on everyone. Caution: Wearing this color may cause personal growth, epiphanies, and life lessons.
Deposed 1920s Debutante: Wear this muted crimson against your ghostly pale skin, and reminisce about the gay old days before Prohibition, or the time the Stork Club banned you for scandalizing the room with your newfangled, unladylike "pants."
Nerd By Day, Rockstar By Night: This shocking plum tone might not exactly go with your Keds and your Fringe t-shirt, but it'll definitely give people a glimpse into your inner punk.
Circus Clown: This vibrant red gloss starts out sassy, but since it's poorly made, it slowly seeps out around the edges of your lips to give you that special Bozo look.
Koi Pond: This neon orange/coral tone can be found smeared on dentures all across Boca Raton's retirement communities. Koi Pond reaches maximum effect when worn while eating with leafy greens for that lily pad/green-stuff-stuck-in-teeth effect.
Rockstar by Day, Nerd By Night: This subtle peach might not exactly go with your stretched piercings and your Russell Brand eyeliner, but it'll definitely give people a glimpse into your inner astrophysicist.