SMASH Recap, Week Two: Team Ivy vs. Team Karen

Is every episode of this show going to start with a dream sequence? Apparently yes. This time it’s Karen singing an American Idol-esque version of Blondie’s “Call Me” in a smoky, run down cabaret (to be honest, if it was my dream I would have made the place a little nicer), and in the audience are, of course, Julia, Tom, Derek, Eileen, and creepy Ellis.

Then, poof! And she’s back in the real world at her job as the world’s laziest waitress at the world’s most lenient restaurant. I’m surprised we haven’t seen her pour hot coffee in someone’s lap yet.

So, the fighting continues between the creative team and we have a real competition on our hands. It’s Team Karen versus Team Ivy (I see Karen as the Edward, and Ivy as the Jacob… Karen’s just so waifish, and looks like she’d either shimmer or explode in direct sunlight). Tom wants Ivy. Derek wants Karen. Everyone decides that they need to see more of both. So, more callbacks! More inappropriate close talking to both of the girls from Derek! And a LOT more of creepy Ellis eavesdropping.

Seriously, what does one have to do to get fired from their job in this show?

In the meantime, Julia and hubby Frank are wrestling with the adoption agency, trying to cut through the bureaucratic Chinese government red tape to adopt a baby. They find out that it’ll take two years to get their bundle of joy, and no one is happy. Except for the adoption agency woman, who is always a little too happy.

Julia is basically Grace, but a little older and with a teenage son. And married to Brian d’Arcy James.

Karen hits the rehearsal studio for, what I’m sure has to be the longest, most involved, and grueling callback I have ever heard of. Her callback is all about dancing, since they haven’t seen her dance yet. So Derek choreographs her to the song “20th Century Fox Mambo,” which makes as much sense as it sounds like it does. And, of course, every direction Derek gives her is delivered from half an inch away in a lecherous whisper directly into her ear.

Derek is basically Simon Cowell meets Tiger Woods. With better hair.

And we finally have some espionage after the first commercial break when it turns out that one of the chorus boys in Karen’s callback is Ivy’s BFF. He tells Ivy that Karen showed up late and is a terrible dancer.

Claws out!

While Julia and Tom are wrestling with the structure of the show, creepy Ellis oversteps his boundaries for the five hundred and twenty seventh time and talks about how the musical is “his idea.” Julia gets impatient with him and sends him off to get the dry cleaning. So he leaves and starts eavesdropping. Again.

Creepy Ellis is basically Erika Christensen from Swimfan, minus the long blonde hair.

It’s the end of one of Karen’s rehearsals and Ivy shows up for her appointment and it finally happens… Team Karen and Team Ivy collide! Derek introduces them and Ivy asks where Karen got her scarf. Karen tells her that her mom bought it for her on her birthday. Ivy says “How cute.”

Claws… out?

While Karen’s complaining to her boyf, Dev, about how awful the director’s being, he tells her that they’ve been invited to dinner with his boss. And of course it’s an important dinner. And of course she’s coming straight from a rehearsal. And of course she’s going to miss it and that will cause a strain on their relationship.

Dev is basically a mouth piece for clumsy exposition.

Julia, in the meantime, is getting really into the Chinese child adoption thing and has joined a group with other parents who are trying to adopt. Her homework is to write a letter to the unborn child’s mother, but Frank is getting cold feet now about the adoption because he thinks he’s too old. And Saddy McTeenage Son gets real pouty about the Chinese baby situation too.

That evening in the theatre district, Eileen runs into her ex, Jerry, with his twenty something girlfriend on her way to a dinner with Derek. They have words, Jerry tries to tell Eileen that Marilyn the musical is a terrible idea and that she can’t do anything without him. Eileen does what any self respecting overreactive imaginary character in a drama about producing a Broadway musical would do: she throws her drink in his face.

It’s the next night, now, and Dev is waiting patiently at the restaurant with his boss, a coworker, and their SO’s. He’s fidgety. He keeps checking his phone. And of course, Karen’s late. When she does show up, everyone’s gone. Literally. Dev’s sitting at the table of eight all by himself. He gets angry and explodes at her, but then awkwardly grabs her hand apologetically on the way out.

Weirdest “apology” ever?

Team Karen is down. Can they make a comeback and triumph over Team Ivy?

It’s not looking likely, if Ivy’s rehearsal with Derek is any indication. In the middle of a rehearsing a monologue with Derek, Ivy has a “breakthrough” and Derek decides to take Ivy’s hair down.

Then, they sleep with each other. So, apparently, fixing someone’s hair is foreplay now.

The next day is the final day of callbacks and Karen goes in and nails 20th Century Century Fox Mambo in front of Eileen, Tom, Julia, and Derek. It may be too little too late at this point, since Ivy nailed something else the night before.

The creative team meets afterwards and deliberates. It goes back and forth. And, of course, creepy Ellis is eavesdropping. Again. But the decision is made. Tom goes to tell Ivy in person that…

Ivy got cast as Marilyn!

Wow. So… the end?

Of course not! Julia still has to adopt her Chinese baby. In a group therapy session for parents who are going to adopt, Julia reads the letter to her unborn daughter’s mother (which sounds like lyrics to a song from The Lion King… a lot of “you’re my tiger cub” and “I’ll protect the pride”) when who walks in but Frank. So the hubs is back on board to adopt the Chinese baby.

The score now?

Team Ivy: 1
Team Karen: 0
Chinese Baby: 1
Ellis: Creepy

It’s looking grim for Karen. Is she out of the game completely? Is Team Karen really dead this early on? Come on, this is drama, people! Tune in next week when Team Karen Strikes Back.

What do you think of Smash so far?