The 10 Types of Tweets Following a Celebrity Death

“Rest in peace, Whitney Houston,” said Twitter. When a celebrity passes away, Twitter and Facebook blow up with content and messages. Everyone wants to say something or make their quick joke. Some folks are sincere. Most are not. And faster than you can say, “Brittany Murphy,” the trend has dwindled and we all move on to the next topic. So what’s the point? Why do we all leap to the keyboard when a celeb bites it?

Here are the 10 types of Tweets that appear when a celebrity dies, complete with our analysis of the author.

1. The Firsty
Example: “OMG! Whitttney Hosutonn died!>?”

This first reaction is hastily written and serves only to share the information with the world. The author is hoping others will be impressed with his vast knowledge of current events and dreams of one day winning a Pulitzer Prize in the category of “First Tweet! Totally!” The author is helpful, because without these people, news of a celeb death would only be reported by websites and your nosy aunt.

2. The Joker
Example: “Whitney Houston died today. ‘Whoops,’ said Kevin Costner.”

This is the most common post-death tweet, as billions of Twitter users race to come up with the very best quip human minds can muster. He who doth write the best, meanest joke will win the internet and then be heralded as our new leader. Praise unto thee. (Sarcasm hand)

Twitter is best used for writing funny messages, but when everyone is writing about the same topic, the joke better be amazing, original, hilarious, and thought-provoking. Now is not the time to write banal, sophomoric jokes such as, “More like Whitney Houst-gone!” or making some horrible, vague, confusing The Bodyguard reference.

3. The meaningful message.
Example: “You taught us to sing, and to dream, and to live! The angels are the lucky ones today, for they have Whitney Houston in their home.”

These can be just as amusing as the jokes, as people pour out their heartfelt feelings regarding the deceased. You loved Whitney Houston? That’s nice. And her music helped you through a difficult time? That’s sweet. But know your public message will be read along with the likes of “More like Whitney Houst-gone!” and thus your note’s sentiment may be somewhat dulled. It’s a shame, but that’s how Twitter works. You will be mocked. It’s best to keep these nuggets of personal poetry in your diary and write a brief “Rest in peace” message on Twitter. Or make a “Whitney Houst-gone joke.”

4. The Belated Firsty
Example: “OMG! Whitney Houston died! Did you guys hear?”—your friend, 14 hours later.

Be sure to tell this friend that everybody already knew. And tell her she’s a lousy person for not following celebrity death news more closely.

5. The Rule of 3
Example: “Whitney Houston and Etta James died. Wonder who number three will be.”

There is a myth that celebrity deaths happen in threes. While this does occur sometimes, we need to establish firm rules for time frames. If the first person dies on a Monday, and the second dies on a Wednesday, then the third must die by Friday or else it doesn’t count. Without rules, our wonderful Tweets will devolve into, “Whoa! The rule of three is working again. First it was Abe Lincoln, and then Heath Ledger, and now Whitney Houston! #RuleOfThree”

6. The Angry Tweeter
Example: “There are thousands of children dying every day due to famine and disease. But yeah, let’s all take time to celebrate Whitney Houston. Ugh. America makes me sick. #sick #America.”

These Twitter authors make a fine point, but they always sound so smug and arrogant. Also, they probably don’t appreciate a good “Whitney Houst-gone” joke.

7. The Media Reacts
Example: “The legendary singer is remembered. Click here for complete coverage.”

Do you know what the difference is between NBC’s coverage of Whitney Houston, and that of Us Weekly, CBS, MTV, VH1, In Touch, People Magazine, E!, VH1 Soul, USA Today, Rolling Stone, or ABC? Not a damn thing. These stories are all the same. Mostly fluff, followed by one or two boring quotes from singers, followed by more fluff, followed by old video clips, followed by, “Stay connected for exclusive coverage!” Holy crap! Did you know that Mariah Carey enjoyed Houston’s music? You probably vomited with wonder after reading that.

8. More Jokes
Example: “Wait! Whitney Houston was still alive?”

As the day moves along, the jokes will keep coming as people try again and again to find the perfect word choice for their humor.

9. The Out-of-Touch/Naive Comment
Example: “Who the hell is Whitney Houston? Why she trending? I’m a Be-lieber! BIEBER IS THE RULZ!”

Oh you kids.

10. The Angry Tweeter Who Thinks He's Funny
Example: “I’m so glad Twitney Houston died because [Censored] is what’s [Censored] and the drugs that [Censored]. Horses? [Censored]-ing in the shins! That’s right!”

Maybe if we all move over to Google+, we can leave these people behind.

Using Twitter to share news of a celebrity's passing will never stop. We all love to share our words and diss, or love, a dead star. Why do we do it? Who knows. But if you want to win the internet, start thinking up hilarious things to say about the following mortal superstars. You can never be over-prepared...

Steve-O
Tom Hanks
Halle Berry
Bill Gates
Ryan Reynolds
Kobe Bryant
Christina Aguilera
Keith Richards
The Geico Insurance Lady
Clint Eastwood
The guy who plays Big Bird
Angela Lansbury
Morgan Freeman
The entire cast of How I Met Your Mother
Judge Judy
Dog the Bounty Hunter
And Dustin Hoffman

Are you sad about Whitney Houston's death?