Lovingly Selfish People

Hello ladies and men who are gentle! (You know how I know you're gentle? You put the toilet seat down. Thumbs up!) Can you believe it? This is Rule #34. Out of 35. Meaning that next week is the last one. Meaning that next week, E-Fein and Shusher will be out of my life like a bad relationship. A weird, cougar-ish, threesome type of bad relationship.

And what better way to nearly-end than with the most narcissistic rule in the whole freakin’ book? If timing your calls, ending dates first, not accepting dates scheduled less than three days in advance, and the plethora of other me-centered things weren’t enough, this one takes the Bundt cake. And I hate it when people take my Bundt cake. ‘Cause I love Bundt cake. Nobody takes my Bundt cake.

Rule #34: Love Only Those Who Love You. “One of the greatest payoffs of doing The Rules is that you grow to love only those who love you. If you have been following the suggestions in this book, you have learned to take care of yourself. You’re eating well and working out. You’re busy with interests and hobbies and dating, and you’re not calling or chasing men. You have high self-esteem because you are not sleeping around or having affairs with married men. You love with your head, not just your heart. You are honest; you have boundaries, values, and ethics. You are special, a creature unlike any other. Any man would be lucky to have you!”

“…Of course, we don’t mean to suggest that you love someone simply because he loves you. No, you love whom you love. But when a man you are interested in is crazy about you, you are happy about it. You are not bored or turned off. You don’t think, ‘Gee, this is too easy.’ Love should be easy!”

Really?! You mean it should come without games or rules or strict little boundaries? Without big constrictions or little constrictions or bad consequences if he doesn’t get you a hugely romantic Valentine’s Day gift? And how about this quote from page 57 (Rule #7)? “If you make it too easy for men, they’re certain to take advantage and then you can forget about getting a Rules marriage.” Wow, nice consistency, ladies!

E-Fein and Shusher go on to describe how loving only those who love you is “living pain-free."

Let me point out two things:

1. The world is and always has been full of people who only love those who love them. Think about Genghis Khan. Or Yasser Arafat. Or Kim Jong-Il. Or all the thousands and millions of people who stood by while these guys did so much bad stuff. Loving only those who love you isn’t going to change a thing that needs to be changed.
2. The people who change things (for the good) are the Freedom Riders, or Mother Teresa, or the Tank Man at Tiananman Square. People who, ya know, loved other people regardless.

Even if E-Fein and Shusher aren’t exactly Genghis Khan, their self-centered little guidelines of “go clubbing and go on blind dates and meet a lot of guys!” fail to work as a life goal. Why care so much about yourself?

Verdict on Rule #34: Love Only Those Who Love You: Supermassive Black NEH!

Yehs: 6

Hmaybes: 6

Nehs: 15

(After the collapse of their anarcho-syndicalist republic Costnia at the hands of a brutal civil war, E-Fein and Shusher have migrated back to the United States and now work at Domino’s.)

Shusher: (picks up phone) This is Domino’s. How may we help you?

Customer: I’d like a MeatZZa Feast, please, and some breadsticks.

Shusher: Sounds good, darling. How does Friday sound?

Customer: …What?

Shusher: For your pizza. Or did you want it later in the weekend?

Customer: Um, no, I want it tonight.

Shusher: Oh, sure you do. But you ain’t getting it tonight, love. (Sexy laugh) I serve a lot of customers a week, you know.

Customer: Okay, you’re creepy and sound older than you think you look. Can I get someone else?

Shusher: Of course, love.

E-Fein: Hello, Domino’s?

Customer: Yeah, I’d like a—

E-Fein: Hey, hon, I can’t talk for very long. Just so you know. I’m very busy! I’ve got to get ready soon, because I’m running a charity for homeless dogs, and after that I’m running a charity for abused cats, and after that I have to run a silent auction to benefit turtles with neurosis.

Customer: (hangs up)

What do you think? Should you love only those who love you?

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