How to Chat Politely With the Slimeball Ex Who Broke Your Heart

It doesn't matter if she called your mom a toilet-licker or he told your little sister that candy is actually made of ground-up unicorns. If you have any friends in common, live nearby, or have extremely bad luck, you and your ex are bound to run in to each other, so you should probably figure out now how to talk to each other politely. That way, you guys can avoid rage black-outs and friends who cringe and say things like, "Wow. You just ripped that phone book clean in half. I...should go."

KEEP IT SHORT
If you can, keep the interaction brief. The longer you guys are around each other, the bigger the opportunity for badness.
Right: "Glad to hear you're well."
Wrong: "And then, after my dad heard back from his sister, my aunt—not the one you met, but the other one?—we were all like, there's NO way we're going to drive all the way to Utica just for a chili tasting! And she got all peevy, but I mean, I'm right, right? Right? RIGHT? OMG. This is just like you—you never got my back then, and you're not doing it now, and WHAT IS YOUR PROBL—"*head explodes*

STAY NEUTRAL
Pretend it's a TV show—something you're watching as an uninvolved spectator—and keep your emotional distance. You are calm. You are Zen. You are mellower than Matthew McConaughey. For example, let's say your ex shows up with a new ladyfriend and dangles her in your face...
Right: "Hey, Ex's New SO. You're from Local High School, right?"
Wrong: "Shut it, crampface. How's it feel knowing you're getting my leftovers?"

STICK TO EASY TOPICS
You guys both love weird diners? Listening to the sonic treat that is LMFAO? The color "butter?" Cool. That's where this conversation lives.
Right: "The Tea Shack just got this cinnamon stuff in. It tastes really good in a latte."
Wrong: "What is the nature of being? Also, YOU KNOW YOU STILL LOVE ME."

AVOID REHASHING THE BREAK-UP
If you need to go over the gory details—and please, try not to—it should be reserved for a private, one-on-one chat. In public, don't take the bait, and don't initiate a talk about the Good Times (TM).
Right: "I think we've pretty much said all we need to say about this."
Wrong: "Remember that one time I made you a Christmas present and it was like a box of all your favorite things so there was a Kermit puppet in it and a perfume sample from Abercrombie because you love that dumb picture they always have out front and the first note you wrote me and...well, this is weird. When we started this talk, was my face is leaking tears?"

DO NOT FLIRT
Right: "Hi."
Wrong: "Hiiiiiiii."

DO NOT LIE
Right: "It's been nice catching up with you. I should go grab a soda. See you later."
Wrong: "Nicky Minaj just texted me the funniest thing because we're besties now and I have 18 guys who want to date me on Facebook and AREN'T YOU JEALOUS?"

BREATHE AND WALK AWAY
Unless there are extenuating circumstances, there's no reason for you to slog through more than a few minutes of the encounter. If you feel like you're going to break, take a deep breath, and let it out slowly before you speak. If that doesn't work, you can always excuse yourself.
Right (after ex says something asinine) Version A: [You pause, breathe, and it works.] "So, moving on to something happier, did you see The Hunger Games trailer? It looks pretty amazing."
Right (after ex says something asinine) Version B: [You pause, breathe, and it fails. Bigtime.] "I'm gonna go—got a lot of catching up to do on that, uh, "Riverdance" trend. Later."
Wrong (after ex says something asinine): "I hate you with the fiery burning passion of a thousand suns that run on distilled snake venom. Please die."

Have you had an awkward run-in with an ex recently?