How Literary Characters Will Spend Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is boring. There are only so many combinations of flowers/dinner/movie that can be created to "celebrate" it. And for a holiday that’s supposed to be about spontaneity and romance, the big V usually disappoints on both fronts.

But you know who doesn’t have a boring Valentine’s Day? Imaginary characters from literature, that’s who. So come with us now, won’t you, and find out what some of our favorite characters from literature have planned for this year’s most romantic holiday.

Romeo and Juliet
Originally, these two were planning on doing a double date on V-day with Hamlet and Ophelia, but every time they hang out, someone ends up dead. So instead, Romeo has an elaborate scavenger hunt planned for Juliet that will lead her from the town square where her cousin was slain, to the apothecary where Romeo bought a vial of poison, to the home of Paris whom her father has ordered her to marry on pain of death. Then, afterward, he’s taking them to Friendly’s for ice cream.

Bilbo Baggins
Notoriously a homebody, Bilbo has decided that this year he’s going out and making the best of the lonely holiday. The local tavern is having a Hobbit Speed Dating night on the 14th, and Bilbo is reluctantly giving it a go. He’s so nervous about getting back into the dating scene that he may only be able to eat two suppers beforehand. On the bright side, if the dates don’t work out, he can always just disappear.

Alice (formerly of Wonderland)
The Mad Hatter has been trying to get Alice to go out with him for a while, and to get him off her back, she finally gave in this year for Valentine’s Day. The Hatter is starting their date off with a tea party on the back of a walrus that’s floating on a river of tears, which will lead to their next destination: a hallway of different sized doors. After that, he plans on romancing her with a selection of size-changing pastries and finishing the evening with dancing on the ceiling of the Royal Parliament of Flamingo-Gnomes. You know, the usual.

Dorian Gray
Dorian will be spending the evening in with his one and only true love, his own portrait. After pampering the oil on canvas with a luxuriously sinful coat of Pledge on its wooden frame, Dorian will serve dinner by candle light (Pastel gratin with an acrylic dipping sauce). After that, they’ll settle in to watch their favorite movie: The Artist.

The Phantom of the Opera
This is SO the Phantom’s favorite holiday of the entire year. Never the cynic, Phantom plans for Valentine’s day months in advance. The evening will start with Phanty breaking into Christine’s bedroom and laying a single red rose next to her while she’s sleeping, then staring at her for several minutes before sneaking out. After that, he’ll probably row his canoe filled with candles down the underground river in the Paris sewer to his organ and play some Bach while weeping violently. Ah, romance!

What's your favorite literary character doing for Valentine's Day?