How to End Your Emails like a Boss
You know what you need? A really classy signature email sign-off. You want to exit every email with a flourish, like a majestic Houdini letting your aunt know you liked her e-card about bears! Here are some exciting alternatives to the standard boring email enders:
1. The Usual: The Device Brag. "Sent from my iPhone/Samsung SmartPhone/Atari somehow"
The Much-More-Impressive Alternative: "Sent from Ryan Gosling's hot tub on the moon"
The Much Creepier Alternative: "Sent from inside your house. If you're wondering who put Nutella in the waffle iron, it wasn't me."
2. The Usual: The World-Saver's Plea. "Think before printing out this email. Save the planet!"
The Alternative: The World-Saver's Threat. "Print out this email, and an endangered gorilla will come to your house and throw feces at you, then read your poetry journal out loud in a fake British accent while pretending to hold a cup of fancy tea. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED."
3. The Usual: The Inspirational Quote. "The only journey is the journey within."
The Alternative: The Inspirational Quote from your Grandma. "You'd be so pretty if you took off those dungarees and wore some blusher. Stop all that yelling!"
4. The Usual: The Pithy Political Statement. "Republicans? Democrats! Can't we all just get along? GREEN PARTY!"
The Alternative: The insanely outdated, historically incorrect political statement. "Don't let Great Britain take away our freedom. Vote Truman to legalize space travel and man-on-kangaroo cage fighting!"
5. The Usual: The Mysterious Song Lyric Hinting at the Emailer's Inner Pain and Outer Sexiness. "Can someone stop the noise? I don't know what it is but I just don't fit..."
The Alternative: A phonetic spelling of the chorus of your favorite song: "Na na nanana na, na na nanana na, na na na nanana na, na na nanana na." Confuse to conquer.
We can't decide which of these is our favorite, so we're just going to use ALL OF THEM. How do you end your emails? Are you going to upgrade your sign-off after reading this post?