How To Be a Valentine's Day Grinch

Ooh, Valentine's Day! Candy and flowers and confetti! Vomit, right? Romance is all well and good, but sometimes being told "It's Valentine's o'clock, quick, make out with someone!" can just make you want to write an angry letter to Hallmark. If pink and red streamers bring you out in hives, if candy hearts turn to ash in your mouth, and cutesy poems make your ears actually bleed, then here's how to ruin Valentine's Day for everyone else, too.

Be vocal

No one will know you hate Valentine's Day if you do all your hatin' in your mind. Take every opportunity to show your distaste for all this manufactured Hallmark romance by knocking over displays of cards, tearing down decorations, and loudly proclaiming "Valentine's Day, Schmalentine's Day!" wherever you go.

Respond inappropriately to gifts

Despite the fact that you are going around drawing nipples on anything heart-shaped, some people might not get the hint that you hate happiness, and try to give you a Valentine's gift. It will then be up to you to show them exactly what you think of all this "love" junk. If someone buys you a bunch of flowers, burn them. Dunk that box of delicious chocolates into a vase of water, and calmly eat every last one of those heart-shaped scented candles.

Turn down dates

Any dates. All dates. Cute boy asks you to dinner? Run away with your fingers in your ears. Cute girl says " Let's see a movie!"? Throw a burger at her. Grandma asks you to come over and fix her TV? Tell her to cram it. If no one asks you on any dates (possibly because of your "ST VALENTINE WAS A JERK AND SO ARE YOU" t-shirt), you could, if you wanted, ask someone on a Valentine's date and then fail to show up. You monster.

Avoid the 14th

A key part of hating Valentine's Day lies in avoiding the actual day. We suggest crawling inside your duvet cover and staying there until the 15th dawns. If this means going to class inside your duvet, then so be it. If you're in a more sociable mood, you could go to the movies or the park, sit obnoxiously close to a happy couple, and eat a seafood sub with your mouth open.

How are you going to Grinch out on Valentine's Day?