Auntie SparkNotes: Advance Disinvitation

Dear Auntie,

I have a prom question (cue everyone's foreheads hitting their keyboards as they scream "WHY?!?"). But first some background! I'm a senior, and my girlfriend, who'll we'll call Rosie, is a sophomore. We've been together for ~4 months, and she's awesome. Really, really awesome. We've met each other's parents, hang out all the time, it's wonderful. Now, enter prom.

At my school, prom is mostly for the juniors and seniors, but underclassmen can come if they have an upperclassman date. And while I know all/most of her friends, she doesn't know practically any of mine. And she is, from her own mouth, "really awkward around people she doesn't know". Add these three together, and you result in Rosie having no one to hang with but me and my friends (most of whom, again, she doesn't know) and feeling awful. I feel like neither of us would have any fun, with her not knowing people, and my feeling obligated to hang with her the entire time (I had this same problem last year when I was dating a senior to my junior, and I didn't get to hang with any of my friends).

So, to my question. As you might have guessed from the background, the question is what to do about this conundrum? Is there a nice way to ask Rosie if she's willing to not come to prom? Maybe I could compensate for it, perhaps figure out some way to hold a mini-prom somewhere for her and her friends, I dunno. Thoughts?

Just one: that if you nicely disinvite your girlfriend from the prom in order to avoid her awkwardness, you should be prepared for the extremely likely possibility that she'll respond by nicely disinviting you from ever dating her again.

Because I'm guessing that, just like me, she'll notice the giant, gaping hole in your logic: that if what you fear is the awkwardness of a girlfriend who doesn't know any of your friends, then you can easily solve that problem by introducing her to them now. Or next weekend! Or, you know, anytime in the five freakin' months' worth of opportunity you've got before you head to prom, during which you can bring her to parties, or plan a group outing, and generally let her get to know your pals in advance of the big night. So that when she hops into the limo, rather than landing in a pile of strangers, she'll be able to turn to the guy nearest her and say, "Oh, hey, Fabio. What's new since I last saw you guys?"

There's just one thing: this solution is obvious. Really obvious. So obvious, in fact, that I'm wondering if the reason you didn't think of it is that your concerns over her social comfort are just a polite cover for the truth: that you'd rather have your prom be a senior-year celebration with a focus on friendship, and not a romantic night out. And as such, that you'd just rather not bring a date at all.

And dude, if that's what you want? That is totally okay. It's just that you're better off saying so—out loud, honestly, and like a motherfranking adult—than trying to pass off your own self-interest as heartfelt concern for your girlfriend's feelings. (If only because doing that requires a gift for believable dishonesty that you don't seem to have.)

But fortunately, whatever your reasons, whether selfless or self-interested, your next step is the same: you talk to your girlfriend, present your take on the problem, and ask to hear hers. So, if you want to bring her but don't want her to feel awkward, you might say something like: "I was planning to ask you to prom this year, but I know you feel uncomfortable around groups of people you don't know—and it won't be fun for either of us if you don't have anyone to talk to except for me. So can we plan a few group get-togethers so that you can get a chance to know my friends and get comfortable socializing with them? Or would you rather just not come to prom, and we'll get dressed up and go do something together the weekend after?"

Whereas if you want a friends-only prom, without the hassle of the date, you might say something like, "It's really important to me that I be able to celebrate with my friends at the prom, and I think it might be best if I don't try to bring a date. I wouldn't be able to give you the attention you deserve, and I don't want to be worrying the whole time about whether you have anyone to talk to or whether you're having a good time. Will you understand if I go solo this year?"

And then, listen to what she has to say. She might be perfectly content not to attend; she might be relieved at being asked for her input; she might be disappointed but understanding given the circumstances; she might even be happy to rally for some group outings, get to know your friends, and hold her own socially while you enjoy your prom. The important thing is that you communicate how you're feeling, and give her the chance to do the same. Because when it comes to asking nicely, listening to her answer is what it's all about.

Have you ever disinvited someone to your prom? How'd that work out for ya? Tell us about it! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.