Chapter Nineteen: The Lion and the Serpent
Better Title: Luna's Hat is Every Kind of Wonderful
I'm not a big fan of the Quidditch scenes in these books. Sure, they're exciting and filled with drama, but it's hard to get pumped up about a sporting event when we all know Harry will be facing death and saving the world soon. It would be as if in the middle of The Dark Knight, Batman dropped everything to play a game of Apples to Apples with Alfred.
Or maybe I don't like these scenes because I'm not a sports enthusiast. (Shocking, right?) All the team pride and rah-rah cheering seems silly in real life, and just as silly in prose form.
That said, this chapter is pretty great. (Ha! You thought I was gonna say bad things, didn't you? They don't call me Dan "Surprise!" Bergstein "Surprise Again" for nothing.)
Not only does Luna wear her amazing lion helmet to support her pals in Gryffindor, but this chapter also sees the introduction of the Dumbledore's Army coins. Hermione bewitched these coins to act as secret communicators between all members of the clandestine Dumbeldore's Army.
Secret magic coins are amazing. They are my favorite type of coin next to "real" and "erotic." I want one. GIMME!
The Quidditch match itself is the same as all the others, except Ron is the new keeper and is feeling the pressure. To make matters worse, the Slytherins are all wearing "Weasley is our King" buttons and singing hilarious taunts including this little bit of poetry:
Weasley was born in a bin.
What the hell does that even mean? Born in a bin? He was born in the garbage? Ho-ho! How witty! And calling someone your king? Wow…that's really, really, really creative.
Brits may have invented the English language, but in America, these taunts would be a little more…gooder.
Harry catches the Snitch and wins the match, but afterwards he and George attack Malfoy for all the taunts. The fight is broken up and Umbridge bans Harry and George from ever playing Quidditch again.
She's such a nice lady.
Ron is feeling dumpers because he messed up during the game. Harry is feeling dumpers because he can no longer play Quidditch. Hermione has some good news. Hagrid is back!
Favorite Part of the Chapter: George.
MALFOY: Hey, Weasley, check this out! I made a new slogan. [Sings] Weasley is a fool. He eats in a swimming pool! HAHAHAHAAHAHA! You just got owned!
RON: That doesn't make much sense.
MALFOY: [continues singing] Weasley has no cash. Because he has no cash!
RON: You just rhymed the same word. That's redundant.
MALFOY: Weasley's mom is fertile. She is not a turtle!
RON: Are we through?
MALFOY: Weasley is a person. And he…um…isn't good at things!
MALFOY: Weasley is our prince! The dentist makes you rinse!
RON: I don't get it.
MALFOY: Weasley is our lord. And lord rhymes with fjord.
RON: TAKE THAT BACK!
[epic 7-hour wizard fight ensues]
Chapter Twenty: Hagrid's Tale
Better Title: Fee-Fi-Fo-Fed…Hagrid Mom is Already Dead
Using the Invisibility Cloak, Shark Force Omega sneak down to visit Hagrid. He's messed up. He's bruised, bleeding, and miserable. The trip to the land of giants didn't go very well. The goal was to convince the giants to fight for the good guys and defeat Voldemort. But there was some internal turmoil amongst the big people and the deal went sour.
Now it seems Voldemort has the support of the giants.
This all seems extremely cool, but if memory serves, the whole giant contingent doesn't really do much in the overall story. Maybe they show up in the final battle (can't remember), but I expected more giant stuff.
Hagrid tells the kids that his mom died years ago. I only mention this because it'll matter later when we meet Hagrid's relative.
The chapter ends with Umbridge barging into Hagrid's cabin. She followed the footsteps and is trying to catch Harry. But the kids stay hidden under the cloak. When she leaves, Hermione warns Hagrid that Umbridge is a b-word and he needs to watch himself, but Haggy doesn't really care.
Favorite Part of the Chapter: The apostrophes.
DUMBLEDORE: We need to persuade the giants to fight for us.
HAGRID: But t'ey won't do it!
DUMBLEDORE: Then there's no hope…
HARRY: Instead of wasting time persuading a handful of giants, maybe we should be contacting the various nations of the world and using their powerful militaries against Voldemort.
DUMBLEDORE: Shut up, orphan. You think you're so smart because you talk to snakes. GET OUT!
DUMBLEDORE: Now, what if we somehow communicated with sunflower petals and then used them to tickle Voldemort's chin. Hagrid, go to the moon and find me the tiny crystal that controls sunflowers. HURRY!
Chapter Twenty-One: The Eye of the Snake
Better Title: Plot Hole
Y'all think J.K. Rowling is so perfect and great? Well, get ready! Here is the biggest plot hole in the entire world and the reason why these books are awful and should be destroyed!
In this chapter, Hagrid teaches the kids about Thestrals. These are the beasts that pull the carriages to and from the school every year. Thestrals are magical, skinless horses that you can only see if you've witnessed death.
Because Harry saw Cedric die, he can now see the Thestrals. Ron and Hermione can't see them because they haven't seen anyone die.
But Harry saw Cedric die at the end of the last book and then was in the carriage leaving school in the last chapter of the last book. He should have seen the Thestrals. But he didn't!
HA! Plot hole!
WORST BOOK EVER!
Harry should have seen the Thestrals in the final chapter of Book 4!
Moreover, he should have seen them all along because as a baby, he saw his mom die.
Your argument is invalid.
I never make mistakes!
Maybe, just maybe, I'll give J.K. Rowling a pass on this one. Maybe this isn't the worst book. Maybe it's a simple oversight.
Sorry for yelling.
The chapter ends with Harry having a horrible dream in which he's a snake attacking Mr. Weasley. He wakes up, sure that it wasn't a dream but a vision of what has happened.
Favorite Part of the Chapter: The part when I'm smarter than J.K. Rowling.
HARRY: I can see the Thestrals!
LUNA: Yeah, me too.
HARRY: It's so unusual.
LUNA: But you should have seen them before.
HARRY: Right. Well, I was kind of busy. Didn't really notice them until now.
LUNA: You didn't notice skinless horses that look like literal night-mares?
HARRY: Nope. Guess I was busy thinking about Cho's butt. And the way she blinks. Her blinks are so wonderfully ordinary!
House Bergstein School Announcements
Everyone whose first name ends in vowel gets an A, because life isn't fair and the sooner you learn that, the better.
There will be a jousting competition this afternoon. Due to new safety regulations, we won't be using jousting lances, but instead cylindrical clouds. Winner will be chosen by who has the best overall attitude.
Tomorrow night, nothing unusual would happen. You're not nervous, are you? Don't be. For real. Honest. Gonna be a just a typical night. Totally.
Read a book with your teeth.
Learn to grow fingers.
Finish this sentence: I would use tap shoes to kill a _______.
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