Auntie SparkNotes: Dating Dog Days

Hi Auntie,
My boyfriend will check out girls obsessively, like, all the time. I see him once a month and even during that time, he will constantly make comments on other girls' you-know-whats and wheres. I once got pretty annoyed and upset and he said, "Oh you know I'm only joking with you."

But since none of us are laughing, how is it a joke? I understand that I am his best friend too, so I mostly just laugh along with his comments -- but at times, even when we are online, he will surf through various pictures of these hot-much-too-perfect beauties. It really annoys me, because my logic is, I have come on skype to talk to you and not go through much-too-skinny-chicks-with-way-too-little-fabric on. He even says, "Oh wow. Gorgeous. Soooo effin' hott."

It is pretty awkward because I don't know how to respond. Funnier still, all my girlfriends are complaining about their guys checking out girls irrespective of their presence. So I am wondering how to handle this matter? We are 18. Is it normal with guys? Or should I say something? He is the best boyfriend in the world apart from this.

Oh no, Sparkler. No, no, no. On behalf of decent dudes everywhere, I want to assure you right this minute that this is not (NOT!) a normal guy thing. It's just the thing that happens when you date someone—male or female—who happens to be a wildly insensitive asshat.

Because while it's one thing to enjoy the scenery when a hot human walks by—no matter what your age, sex, or marital status—it is quite another thing to crow and pant about said specimen's so-effin-hotness like some kind of leering, slobbering, howling caricature of Tex Avery hornitude when you're in the company of the one person who should have your undivided romantic attention.

Or in other words, if you notice and appreciate other attractive people despite being happily coupled, you're human. Whereas if you notice and appreciate other attractive people out loud, constantly, in the presence of the person you're supposed to be happily coupled with, you're a giant anus.

So, how should you handle this? You've got two options: you can either...

a) let your boyfriend know, politely but firmly, that decent human beings do not vocally lust after other people in the presence of their beloveds, or
b) vow to give as good as you're getting, and the next time you're skyping, start sending him pinup photos from the calendar of FDNY hotties or production stills from "Magic Mike"—complete with detailed, lascivious commentary about how much you'd like to [censored] Joe Manganiello's sweaty [censored censored censored] while you Alex Pettyfer [censored] with [censored] in a [censored] hot tub full of whipped cream-flavored vodka. And also, [censored]!

Obviously, the mature route is option A. (Although if you want to go with option B, I don't think anyone would blame you.) But assuming that you do attempt to give your boyfriend a much-needed lesson in not being a butthead—rather than giving him a taste of his own buttheaded medicine—then do not, under any circumstances, allow him to come back with the defense that he was "only joking." Not just because it's a bunch of horse excrement, but because it's better for him to learn now that "But I was just joking!" is not, in fact, a get-out-of-jail-free-card when you've been called out for saying something atrocious.

Or, in other words: "When we talk or hang out, you're constantly telling me how hot other girls are. And since we can both see that the girls you're talking about are, indeed, hot, it's obviously not a joke. You're not being funny. But you are being incredibly disrespectful—to me, and to the girls you're objectifying, and also to you yourself, because talking about women like this just makes you look like a pathetic fool."

And since you say that your boyfriend is otherwise a fabulous dude, this is where the ogling and gross commentary should end— since fabulous people do not knowingly engage in blatantly awful behavior (and even less-than-fabulous people tend not to keep doing things that make them look like idiots.). But if it doesn't stop, I hope you'll respond like the smart, confident, respect-deserving gal you are... and tell him that as long as he's going to act like a dog, he can find someone else's leg to hump.

Does your SO check out other dudes or ladies when you're together? How do you handle it? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Other People's Man Meat