How to Throw the Perfect Oscar Party

The nominations have been announced (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close got nominated? Really? Reeeeeeally? That doesn't look like a movie. It looks like a commercial for anti-depressants.) Now it's time to get ready for Hollywood's biggest night. Here's how to throw the perfect Oscar party.

Step One: Decorations.
Just kidding. You shouldn't decorate for an Oscar party. That's just silly. It's not like this is Flag Day.

Step Two: Food.
The trick is to make hilarious puns and use plenty of word play. Everyone loves word play. Everyone! So choose your foods accordingly. How about some "War Hors d'oeuvres" or some "Hugo-reoes." You're probably shivering with laughter right now. Word play!

Step Three: Pick the winners.
The only way to make the Oscars somewhat interesting is to fill out your own ballot and see who gets the most correct picks. Here's a hint: Don't pick Extremely Loud and Very Close, no matter what your sad aunt keeps telling you.

Step Four: Tell everyone about Attack the Block and how it was awesome and should have been nominated for, like, every award because those aliens were crazy and furry and it was the best movie of the year.
And do so with a British accent because that will make it classy and correct.

Step Five: Play games.
The award ceremony is a tad boring, particularly between the second and third hour. During this time, play movie charades with your friends. We saved you the time of creating the charade items. Just print out this list, cut the names out, and stick them in a hat. Then charade to your heart's content.

Charade Topics:

Saving Private Ryan
Ghostbusters
Julia Roberts
Avatar
David Farmer (Sound designer on the movie Underworld: Awakening)
3-D Glasses
Popcorn
Popcorn that's too salty
Tom Hanks' shin bones
The JVC GY-HM790U ProHD ENG / Studio Camera w/Canon 14x Lens
That guy from that movie about that war…something Lewis…maybe?

Step Six: Live-blog the event on Twitter.
Because that's what cool people (named Dan) do.

Step Seven: Ask, "Who the hell is that?" all night long.
Because that's what cool people (named Dan) do.

Step Eight: Don't invite people who hate movies.
We all know movies are great, but some of your friends may disagree and they will spend the entire night saying, "That movie sucked." Be selective with your guest list. Perhaps only allow those who can answer the following questionnaire correctly:

1. Was Saw 6 good?
2. Is Paul Giamatti a gifted actor or a Jelly Belly flavor?
3. When a movie has subtitles, you are likely to: A: Skip it. B. Punch it. C. Does that mean the title is underwater? D: Subtitles don't reflect on the quality of the movie.

Step Nine: Applaud for everyone during the "In Memory" section.
When they start showing the pictures of those who died this year, clap equally loudly for everyone. It's the right thing to do. (And their ghosts are watching you, so…)

Step Ten: Kick everyone out.
Once the last award is awarded, flick the lights on and off to wake everyone up and get them out of your house. If they're still too groggy to move, call us. We'll handle it.

Are you going to watch the Oscars?

Related post: Don't Quit Your Day Job, James Franco: Our Oscars Recap!