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Don't Break The Rules (Big Brother Is Watching You)

Don't Break The Rules (Big Brother Is Watching You)

By Scott Greenstone

Hello and good (circle one) afternoon/evening/teatime/Day of Reckoning/Teatime of Peril! Did you know we only have three more Rules left after this? I’ve known that ever since there were no longer four Rules left. Not like I’ve been counting down or anything, of course. Haha! You’re a funny person. (The picture features my gimpy hand.)

Rule #32: Don’t Break The Rules. “Let’s take the case of our good friend, Candy. We told her about The Rules and she admitted she pursued men and they never proposed. She finally became willing to do everything we suggested for the first month or so of dating a hard catch named Barry.” (She “finally became willing”? After what? Torture by the Feminine Mystery Squad?) “The Rules worked so well for Candy that after two months Barry took her to Jamaica for a week. That’s when Candy went back to her old ways, ignoring our suggestions. She didn’t think she had to do them anymore!

“…He finally told her, 'I love you, but I’m not in love with you. It’s really strange because in the beginning there was something about you I had to get to know, but then it changed for me.'”

Side note: Why are all the example people in this book given white-person 50s names? Candy? Barry? Wendy? Oliver? Jenny? Do Shusher and E-Fein have any racial diversity in their friend groups? How about a Fatimah or a Vladimir or a Chandrakanta (Indian, “beloved by the moon”)?

“Candy had the strength to end the relationship shortly after he told her he didn’t love her and didn’t want to marry her. Men don’t lie!”

Cut! End scene. Rewrite script.

This is not true. Men lie. About relationships, about their feelings, and about killing the spider in the bathroom. Sorry. He probably took off a few legs, if that helps. But it fell behind the toilet and he’s not going back there.

“When you break The Rules, you automatically take away the pleasure men get from pursuing you, and they end up resenting you for it. Then they treat you badly and you’re left wondering if it was something that you said, did, didn’t say, or didn’t do that caused the problem. The answer is simple: you broke The Rules.

I don’t like this, because if I’ve found out anything about women, it’s that they blame themselves in a relationship enough. Men blame women, and women take a cue and blame themselves as well (not a blanket statement: some men blame themselves and some women don’t).

But let me tell everyone who has ever been in a relationship, or who ever plans on being in one (which, when you exclude the asexual bacteria who need no lovers, is 99% of Sexy Things): if your partner, guy or girl, treats you badly, it’s their fault. Same if you treat them badly.

Get it? Good. High five.

Verdict on Rule #32: Don’t Break The Rules: Neh.

Yehs: 6

Hmaybes: 6

Nehs: 13

(The rulers of Costnia decide that their country is relying too heavily on foreign imported fun.)

Chancellor Fein: Members of the Cabinet, I propose we institute a national holiday in Costnia. Something to raise the spirits of the peasants.

Chancellor Schneider: I propose National Opposite Day. Everything will be reversed: gender roles, eating habits, age-appropriate fashion norms…

Secretary of the Interior: Objection, your Chancellorship. To proclaim National Opposite Day as National Opposite Day would be to actually proclaim that National Opposite Day, come National Opposite Day, is not National Opposite Day.

Chancellor Schneider: …Come again?

Secretary of Defense: What the Secretary is saying is that on National Opposite Day, if we say, “It is National Opposite Day,” that means it isn’t National Opposite Day.

Chancellor Fein: Objection sustained, Secretary.

Secretary of Pantyhose: I move we declare every day of the year National Opposite Day, and then declare one of the days "Not National Opposite Day."

Secretary of Diaper Stations in Public Restrooms: But that would be to declare every Not-National Opposite Day as National Opposite Day, and since every day but Not National Opposite Day isn’t National Opposite Day, that would make every day of the year except Not National Opposite Day, National Opposite Day!

Secretary of All Crafts Besides Mosaic Making: Not true, Idiot!

Secretary of Makeovers: Don’t you mean, "Not true, Not Idiot?"

Secretary of Power Suits: How dare you not call her that!

(The Parliament of Costnia debilitates into Not Civil War.)

Do you think women take the blame in relationships too often?

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Topics: Books
Tags: relationships, dating, blame, blogging the rules

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About the Author
Scott Greenstone

I write freely.

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