Auntie SparkNotes: It's Complicated

Dear Auntie ,

I'm having a bit of a dilemma: Everyone always says that in order to make your relationship "official," you have to make it "Facebook Official" (which I don't agree with), but I'm hesitant in doing so. I've been together with this guy for almost 3 months, and I keep telling myself that I'm going to change my relationship status, but every time the deadline that I set for myself comes around, I always put it off.

I actually dated the same guy about a year and a half ago, and we made it FBO about a week after we got together (which I've determined was probably too soon). It didn't last too long, but when we broke up his friends wrote some hurtful comments on my "single" status, so after that I swore never to change my relationship status again, and even removed all that information from my profile. I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to change the status when we first got back together, and he said that he understood and that he didn't care either way. I feel like couples who make themselves FBO only do it because they want to show off and make everyone jealous. It's not that I'm opposed to a little showing off, but then once the relationship is totally public, I'm putting my private life up for investigation from people that I really don't want meddling in my business. I mean, if/when we break up, then we have to change the status to "single" and EVERYONE is going to know and want to find out what happened, and it's just none of their concern. Neither of us will deny that we're dating if someone asks, and we've told people directly if we wanted them to know, so why does making something FBO even matter?

So please tell me Auntie, am I being appropriately cautious by not making my relationship FBO, or am I being unreasonable? I know he says he doesn't care, but I still feel like I'm being selfish by not "showing him off" to everyone on Facebook. Still, I don't want to ruin a wonderful relationship by opening it up to criticism and investigation from the entire Facebook community. I just don't know what to do!

I'm not gonna lie, y'all: letters like this make me endlessly, obscenely grateful that when I was in high school, the internet was a brand-new thing and social networking did not yet exist. (And also, if you think those relationship status updates make things awkward now, just wait until you're in your late 20s and people start ending five-year relationships, breaking engagements, or getting divorced. On Facebook. IT'S SO AWFUL.)

The good news, Sparkler, is that you already know exactly how to avoid the drama of having your hookups and breakups digitally advertised in real time: you eradicate that pesky "relationship status" category from your profile (or change it permanently to "It's complicated"), and trust that anyone who should know your relationship status will find out in the usual way: either from you directly, or by word of mouth, or by noticing that he's by your side in all your recent photos, or by peering in your bedroom window at night with a high-powered telescope while mindlessly snacking on Wheat Thins.

...Not that any of us have ever done that.

And as for the rest of it—whether you're being unreasonable, whether you owe it to your boyfriend to make it FBO, whether you ought to be showing him off like a prized pony—honestly, it all boils down to one thing: privacy. And everything you're feeling, from the nervousness over a messy public breakup to the nausea over having your relationship scrutinized by the digital hoi polloi, comes back to the fact that you, personally, are a lady who values her privacy.

And y'know what? That's totally fine. Not everyone wants to make every iota of their personal lives available for public viewing, which is why Facebook makes it possible for you to be choosy about what you show to whom, to be coy with your information, or to opt out entirely on the love-life stuff. And while compulsive oversharers always want you to follow their lead—not least because they love to gossip about other people's lives even more than they love to broadcast their own -- you and I both know that officializing your relationship has nothing to do with what Facebook says, and everything to do with your mutual decision to date exclusively. (Also, you "have" to make your relationship Facebook Official for it to count as a real commitment? Really? What do these mental midgets think people did before social networking existed: walk around in a state of perpetual confusion, stopping only to spontaneously scream, "GAAAAAH! I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M DATING!")

That said, this doesn't mean that nobody should ever make their relationship FBO; some people—particularly those in long-distance relationships—may find that it's an important part of conveying their coupled status when they're physically apart. And of course, there are times when someone's "Single" status online, even when he or she is in a serious relationship, becomes less a matter of privacy and more a matter of that person being a schmuck. But in this situation, in this relationship, you're not being selfish or schmucky; you're just keeping your personal information personal.

And considering how exhausting it is to watch someone's heart break on Facebook, I bet I'm not the only one who wishes more people would follow your lead.

What's your take on making it FBO? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.