The 50 Best Types of Boys

Dan Bergstein just composed a list of the 50 Best Types of Girls using only cold, hard science, and our fearsome competitive drive has forced us to create a companion piece for the dudes. Did we rely on mathematical equations and hypo-reductive flowcharts to put it together? No. We relied on our HEARTS. And the Deluminator we crafted from pipe-cleaners, because it's basically infallible. So here they are, the 50 Best Types of Boys.

1. Manklers

2. Bear-huggers

3. Snowboarders who can identify at least one Robert Frost poem

4. Scrabble aficionados

5. Casual users of the phrase “Expecto Patronum”

6. Lumberjacks

7. Anyone even vaguely resembling Augustus Waters

8. Scruffy aspiring writers

9. Slightly tanner Benedict Cumberbatches

10. Unpretentious cardigan-wearers

11. Puppy owners with a genuine interest in Downtown Abbey

12. Dweebs who get bitten by radioactive spiders and start wearing spandex

13. Prodigious quoters of A Very Potter Musical

14. Chivalrous door-openers (double points for chair-puller-outers)

15. Gryffindors

16. Stand-up comedians who moonlight as neurosurgeons

17. Goofy grinners

18. Fictional mud-covered rangers played by Viggo Mortenson

19. Less sassy versions of Mr. Darcy

20. Nerdfighters

21. Heirs to the hot fudge fortune

22. Class clowns with incredible jawlines

23. Undercover-cops-turned-street-racers willing to sacrifice their careers and defy the law in the name of love

24. Oxford comma supporters

25. Lanky semi-retired pirates

26. Irish pancake chefs

27. Experts in the field of witty banter

28. Pretty much anyone in the Green family

29. Werewolves who teach Defense Against the Dark Arts

30. Prompt text returners

31. Handsome calculus tutors who excel at pun-related humor

32. Angsty outsiders with a romantic side

33. Professional skateboarders who majored in Contemporary Literature

34. Non-skinny jean wearers

35. Dudes who are adorably terrible at dancing

36. Accomplished saxaphoners

37. Guitar players who never, ever say "Would any of you ladies be interested in hearing a James Blunt song?"

38. Stage 5 Neville Longbottoms

39. Renegade cupcake bakers

40. The Weasley twins

41. Anyone with a zombie contingency plan

42. Die-hard members of Dumbledore's Army

43. Dapper dreamboats with hyphenated last names

44. Cowboys

45. Marathon-watchers of Lord of the Rings (director's cut, obviously)

46. Rockers of the skinny tie

47. Baseball players who tell great jokes

48. Professor Umbridge in A Very Potter Sequel

49. Batman

50. The vampire-slaying version of Abraham Lincoln

Did we forget anyone?

Related post: The 50 Best Types of Girls