Dear Auntie,
I have a sort-of question about friends you make whom you only know on the internet. Basically, I met this guy on an art-sharing website; we exchanged IM accounts; we now talk at least three times a week. He's really nice to me, I really enjoy talking to him, and there's no way I'm ever going to meet him because he lives over a thousand miles away. Here's my problem:
I don't know how much I should trust him. When do you know it's okay to tell someone your phone number or address if you've never met them in person? He hasn't pressured me for any information, although he has given me his address (I'm sending him a piece of my work.) I'm really paranoid, so unless I get any outside advice, the answer will end up being never, I guess. But the thing is, I also don't know if I don't trust him because I met him on the internet or simply because he's a guy who is complimentary... who I met on the internet. I'm afraid of either telling him too much and getting myself into trouble because of it, or not telling him enough and missing out on the opportunity for a great friendship. What do I do?
First, let's dispel a myth or two about internet friendships. Because despite what you might have heard from media hysterics and paranoid parents, on the internet, as in life, the vast majority of people are not malicious freaks who want to hunt you down, cut you up, and make a bathrobe out of your skin. And as long as you start out from a place of caution—which, clearly, you are—you can rely on your own judgment to weed out any creepers who cross your radar. First, because most of them will out themselves right off the bat (by pressuring you for personal info, demanding naked pictures, making suggestive comments, or urging you to keep your conversations a big seeecret secret from your friends and family). And second, because anyone who's not a creeper will understand completely why you want to steer clear of the people who are—which means that any caution on your part will be accepted without a fuss on his.
But if you want a little extra insurance, then here are two intermediate steps you can take that'll allow you to enjoy your convos without sacrificing your security:
1. Talk via Skype, Google Voice, or some other internet-based audio/video chat that lets you enjoy a real conversation but doesn't require giving out your phone number. (This is also a great way to weed out the creepers; once you're face-to-face on video, it becomes pretty clear pretty quickly whether or not the person you're talking to is who they say they are.)
2. Connect on Facebook. If you want to know more about who this guy is, you can't do better than becoming "friends" on a social network that gives you a snapshot of his offline life, his real-life friends, and how he carries himself when he can't hide behind an internet pseudonym. (And again, if he's pretending to be someone he's not, it'll be obvious that things don't add up.)
But while caution is a good thing, paranoia serves nobody... which brings me to this: as a smart and careful lady, I think you can probably already tell the difference between a creepy internet predator and a friend you just happen to know virtually rather than in-personally. (Not to mention that in this day and age, having a person's name and address gives you more than enough info to independently verify whether he is who he says he is.) And while you can certainly take steps to confirm that your friend is a trustworthy fellow, you can also look at everything you already know—like the setting in which you met, the content of your conversations thus far, the fact that he hasn't pressured you for your personal info, and the fact that he's nevertheless made quite a show of faith by volunteering his own—and conclude, as would most people, that your friendship poses no danger.
Except maybe the danger of AWESOMENESS.
Do you have an interfriend whose trustworthiness you worried about?
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Secret Interfriends
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