We're changing how we eat, because as we have recently learned, walking around with mayo smears on your face and lettuce in your hair comes off less as "devil-may-care" and more as "Does your keeper know you're out of your cage?" Here are our top three least-recommended eating habits:
1. Taking an enormous bite/mouthful.
What you think will happen: This one mouthful will include every element in your meal, thus granting you entrance to that much-sought-after, Nirvana-inducing flavor paradise known as OM NOM NOM. The food angels will greet you at the gates of gustatory glory, whereupon you will dine on Fluff fountains and gravy gum.
What will actually happen: You will either a) choke loudly and sputter food remnants all over bystanders ("How do you like me now, everyone I know including my crush?") or b) have that horrible thing happen where your food ball is so big you actually have to open your mouth and lips to chew it, thus giving the rest of the world front-row seats to your wad of chewed nasty. In some cultures (i.e. "Dad" and/or "little brother" humor), this is known as "see food." Depending on the temperature of your meal, you may also give your soft palate fifth-degree cheese burns or galvanize your esophagus with molten chili. No one will understand your pain.
2. Eating a "virtuous" minuscule salad for lunch.
What you think will happen: Your hips and butt will magically shrink to their birth width, and you will find your long-lost cheekbones.
What will actually happen: Your stomach will do its best NatGeo impression, unleashing sounds that would make zoo keepers get new zoo-keeper armor. Your body will biologically reject the salad, and start digesting your brain instead. You will force your way into a dollar store and camp out in their front window while eating all of their off-brand Tootsie Rolls ("Tooootie Turns, now in red flavor!").
3. Ordering the French dip/18-topping pizza/super-loaded hot dog/hard-shell tacos.
What you think will happen: This one time, you will defy time, space, and gravity: You will eat daintily and not drag your entire wardrobe through your food.
What will actually happen: If your sleeves are not drenched in marinara, your white shirt is not covered in taco run-off, and your jeans are not loaded down with a sauerkraut/mustard/ketchup/relish/hot-dog juice blend, it's only because Mercury is in alignment or it's February 29th. Otherwise, you'll need a plastic tarp, a drop cloth, and a Hazmat suit to escape these meals without a stain stick. On the other hand, if you eat near arty types, you will be discovered and become a breakthrough gallery installation that makes them all famous. They will call you "Still Life with Double-Patty Melt," and you will laugh as you accidentally coat your nose in special sauce.
What are your worst food habits?
Related post: The Worst Sleeping Habits to Never Ever Do
Topics: Life
Tags: food, eating, gross things, bad habits
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