Picture this, Sparklebutts: you strut into the admissions interview at your first-choice college, your cheeks glowing with conviction, your large, noble forehead glistening gloriously in the sun. You sit down, cross your confidence-pants-encased legs (my god, your butt looks phenomenal!), and smile so beautifully that every bird within a 10-miles radius bursts into this song. The admissions officers stare at you, wide-eyed and hopeful, and then ask you the all-important question: "Can you tell us about a time when you made a positive change in the world?"
This, Sparklers, is the moment where one of two things can happen:
Option 1: You could slowly pick your nose and say thoughtfully, "Once I taught a slug to burp the alphabet. But then I stepped on him by accident."
OR, Option 2: You could say "Last year I single-handedly organized a wildly successful charity event for the Teens for Jeans cause. Over 400 students donated their gently-used jeans, and we were able to provide clothes for nearly 1,000 homeless teenagers."
If you go with Option 1, we suggest you start googling "Slug Training" and prepare for some dark, dark days ahead. If you go with Option 2, you've just earned dropped jaws and probably even a slow clap from two admissions officers who now can't WAIT to offer you a spot at their prestigious university.
So how do you make this dream scenario into a reality? EASILY, SO EASILY. We know we've bombarded you with Teens for Jeans posts in the last two weeks, and many of you have commented that you don't have any pants to spare—but butts, THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT YOU. If you don't have any jeans to donate, that's totally fine! Teens for Jeans isn't about what you, by yourself, can give; it's about INSPIRING and MOBILIZING everyone around you to make a difference in the lives of homeless youth—kids who are just like you in almost every way, except for one: they are struggling, every day, with the unbelievably harsh realities of not having a roof over their heads.
1 in 3 homeless people in America is a teen, Sparklers. Imagine that on top of Calculus homework and worrying about whether or not you'll get asked to Homecoming and trying to memorize your Spanish skit about todos los jamons en el supermercado, you are also sleeping on the street, or in a car, or in a shelter. And now imagine the feeling you would get when you discover that kids in your school, kids you eat lunch with and joke with and wheeze with in gym class, are rallying together to support not just a cause, but you—they're donating their jeans so that you have a new pair of pants, and a new sense of confidence, and maybe even a brighter outlook on the future. That would feel AMAZING, don't you think? Don't you want to give someone that feeling?
The best part about Teens for Jeans is how incredibly SIMPLE it is to become a part of the movement and make a difference in someone's life. It won't cost you anything; all it will take is a few hours of your time, and before you know it, you're organizing a charity event that will change the world (not to mention look out-of-control-fantastic on your college applications). So this is what you're going to do on Monday, Sparklers:
-Go to the principal's office, explain the campaign, and get permission to organize a school-wide jean drive. Be prepared to share some facts about Teens for Jeans; you can find a bunch of great info right here. Make sure to tell your principal that the school that collects the most jeans will win $5,000, a brand-new pair of Aeropostale jeans for every single student, and a giant party—plus, two participants will be selected at random to win a $500 college scholarship. (Click here to print out the official contest rules; principals are always asking for stuff like that.)
-Once you have permission, get signed up for a badass and totally FREE Teens for Jeans banner, and hang it in a place where EVERYBODY will see it. Ask your friends to help you get the word out—using Facebook posts, handmade flyers (with glitter, definitely with glitter), announcements over the PA system, these 3 awesome printable posters, and the Hogwarts owl post (carrier pigeons are also acceptable, as long as they are wearing hats).
-Pick a day when everyone can bring in their jeans, and set up donation boxes at several spots throughout your school; in the library, the cafeteria, Mr. Smenly's science lab, etc. Remember, the drive ends on FEBRUARY 12TH, so choose a day in the next 3 weeks.
-After you've collected all those foxy pairs of gently-used denim, load them in a car and take them to your nearest Aeropostale; you can find your closest location right HERE. If you collect more than 500 pairs (AND WE KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO), make sure to shoot an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, so they can let the store know you're coming.
-Give everyone a gigantic high five, do a little victory boogie, and then jump on SparkLife and TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE. There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING in the world that makes us happier than hearing about how our very own Sparklers made a positive change in the lives of others. You guys are hands-down the brightest, kindest, super-mega-awesome-foxy-hottest community on the internet, and we are 100% that you can ROCK THIS CAUSE. And once you do, write us a post, send us a picture, and tell us how many lives you've changed, just by spending a few hours of your time.
Oh, and as for the part in the title about this post making you a better kisser? Well, just picture this: you're loading a stack of jeans into a donation box, laughing and smiling with your friends, when Winsome Harry, who is just like Darren Criss only funnier, sweeter, and way better-looking, walks by.
"Gee," he will think to himself, "that Josephine is really something. Look at her, organizing a charity event to help homeless teens. Why have I never noticed how awesome she is? And how passionate, and caring, and how she smells like a hot summer hamburger fresh off the griddle? God, I love hamburgers. I think I will ask Josephine to go see The Hobbit with me, and maybe brush her hand while reaching for a Sour Patch kid, and then, if I am truly the luckiest boy in the world, steal a kiss from her while her dad stares at us from the front porch. Yes, that's EXACTLY what I'll do."
And there you have it, butts. So get out there on Monday and take the first step, Sparklers. You have absolutely no reason not to. We know you're going to amaze us, amaze Winsome Harry, amaze the internet, and amaze yourselves.
Guys, we are serious about this cause. In fact, we have hardly ever been so serious about anything in our lives. It is just SO EASY to help, and we know, we are certain, we feel it in our sweaty hearts, that you can and will make a difference. So jump on this train, butts: we are headed for a denim-clad VICTORY.