Auntie,
Over the past few months, I have become best friends with this amazing boy. I'm sure you hear this a lot, but he's kind, attractive, sympathetic, caring, funny, and animated, but he has a troubled family life. His mom isn't the nicest person in the world, his brother has a mean streak, and his oldest sister is a really a bad person and is in jail for homicide.
But despite all of this, he makes honor roll, takes AP classes, is in boy scouts, has big plans for himself, and is genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever met, and does not display any symptoms of acting like his siblings. I am really starting to fall for him, and I know he is starting to really like me too, but my mother is a big problem.
I asked my mom if I could go over his house and hang out, and she flipped. She was appalled that I was close friends, and could potentially like someone, with such a horrible family. She yelled at me, swore at me, and threatened me. She threatened to take my car away, ground me, and forbid me from ever talking to him again. When I started to cry, she called me a baby and told me to "get over it." When my dad, who wasn't enthusiastic about me talking to him, told her to calm down and talk respectfully to me, she laughed at him and then proceeded to yell at him.
I told her that I was extremely sorry that I upset her, he was just my friend and that I wanted to hang out with him because he was nice and nothing like his family, but she didn't listen to me. She won't talk to me, and I don't know what I did wrong. When he asked why we couldn't hang out, I had to lie to him and say that I was busy, and I felt awful about it. Auntie, I really like him! He would never treat me badly, and I would never judge someone based on how their family acted, but apparently that's what I am supposed to do. What do I do?
Before we go any further, let's state the obvious: your mom loves you, and worries for you, and wants to protect you from bad influences.
And guess what: none of that changes the fact that she's seriously in the wrong.
Because while I'm sure your mom's freakout was motivated by love and concern, that doesn't make it okay. And while it's reasonable that she might balk at letting you hang out in a household that has a reputation for producing meanies and murderers, it's deeply unfair and unjust to punish a blameless person for the bad acts of his siblings. Which, fortunately, most people recognize as a matter of course—and which is, for instance, why David Kaczynski gets to be married, gainfully employed, and unpersecuted in his daily life, even though his older brother is the Unabomber.
The good news: you're old enough to recognize that your mom's attitude isn't reasonable or fair, and to rely on your own judgment when it comes to picking your friends. And the better news: you have at least half an ally in your dad, who, though he's not enthused about your association with this guy, at least recognizes your right to a reasonable, respectful conversation about it.
Which is why, for starters, I'd talk to him. Explain that you can't stop feeling troubled by the vitriol being leveled at your friend for things he didn't do. Say that you think he deserves to be judged on his own merits. And then suggest that you make that happen—by having your parents meet your friend on their own turf, and talk to him, and see for themselves what a hardworking and decent dude he is.
What you won't do: cry, whine, or lose your cool. You need to be a paragon of calm, collected maturity, and that means stating your case without blubbering. (And, in the event that your mom reappears and starts yelling again, it means saying, "Mom, I'm just trying to talk this out with you in a respectful way. There's no need to speak to me like that.")
Oh, and at least for the moment, cross his house off your list of potential hangouts in favor of places where you won't be rubbing shoulders with his nastier family members—not because it's dangerous to be there or anything, but because taking them out of the equation entirely gives your mom one less thing to flip out about.
Of course, there's no guarantee that your folks will be moved; your mom clearly has a lot of feelings about this, possibly for reasons that she hasn't shared with you, and her track record on Mature Discussion is obviously 0-1. But, and this is just a guess, I'm betting your friend will get the chance he deserves to prove his okay-ness. If for no other reason than that your parents, even if they're at odds with you now, still raised you to become the person you are—and the person you are is one who doesn't believe in guilt by association.
Have you ever had a friend your parents hated for no good reason? Air your grievances in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Down in the Dumps with the Underpants Caterpillars
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