Auntie SparkNotes: How To Lose Friends and Alienate People

Dear Auntie,

Like almost everyone else who has written to you, I have a problem. It has to do with one of my best friends, and her self-centeredness. At least, I think it's her self-centeredness. I'm honestly not sure if I'm reading this situation right, which is why I'm having so much trouble with it.

We only really became friends in May, when we realized (after being thrown together in gym class) how much we had in common--which is to say, so much it's kind of scary. We're both writers, we both love the ocean (and wanted to be marine biologists when we were little), we're both history geeks, and we both participate in relatively uncommon sports. I'm an ice skater. She's a mountain-climber. While my sport involves intense feelings of body-conciousness, hers involves risk of death and/or serious injury if you don't do it right. Now, we're both considered pretty darn good at what we do, and I'm pretty sure I'm not jealous of her sport or her looks (and I know she's considered good looking even if I worry about myself). But I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to some of the things she says or not, so I present to you some quotes:

"Yeah, sure, you can sprain your ankle playing football. People *die* doing what I do."
"It took you *how* long to get used to the altitude change in Colorado? I had no problems with altitude sickness at all when I was there."
"C'mon, she's worried about stage fright? Dude, I have to worry about oxygen levels. She has it easy."
And one that hurt the most: "I think you're the only girl I know who doesn't resent me because of my looks."

I guess I feel as though she's belittling my accomplishments and the accomplishments of others with her remarks, and I think I'm looking for a way to either correct this behavior or let her know how much this hurts. Or at least let her know why these remarks bother me, especially since I don't want to lose her as a friend. And the last thing I want to do is seem self-centered as well.

You don't want to lose her as a friend? Well, more power to you, Sparkler! Because if I were you, I'd want to lose this self-important jerkmobile as a friend as quickly as humanly possible. Preferably by leaving her on the bottom of the ocean, with her legs duct taped together, tied to something extremely heavy.

But fortunately for your friend, you're not me. And since you're not only not me, but also appear to be made out of solid gold saintliness, you're in the convenient, albeit not particularly enviable, position of being able to give your pal the reality check she so desperately needs. That is, assuming she's capable of receiving one (which we'll get to in just a second.)

Because basically, you're right on the money: your friend is as pompous about her own accomplishments as she is dismissive and casually belittling about other people's. Which is to say, very. And while she seems to have picked up on the fact that she's resented and disliked by her peers, she's stopped short of realizing that their feelings are a direct result of her own ick-tastic attitude. Which, if I had to guess, means one of two things: either a) she's super-insecure, and her multiple crappy comments are made as a means to make herself feel better about who she is, or b) she's an honest-to-god clinical narcissist with a massive ego, no self-awareness, and no hope whatsoever of stopping her awful behavior. (Because narcissists, by definition, cannot recognize their own faults and do not care about the feelings of other people.)

The bad news: if it's the latter, then your friendship will always be just like it is. As in, poisonous, demeaning, and generally bad for your health and happiness. The good news: whatever her issues, it most certainly can't hurt to try letting her know—from your kind, caring position as her sole female friend—that she's acting like a jackass. (And no, asking to be treated with kindness and respect does not make you self-centered.) So take a deep breath, steel yourself for some minor confrontation, and the next time she says something awful, try one of the following responses:

The gentle correction: "Hey now, we all know you're a rockstar mountain climber, there's no need to put other people down just because they're not as awesome as you are."
The direct question: "Are you aware that you're being really rude right now?"
The truth retort: "I'm not the only girl who doesn't resent you because of your looks. I'm just the only girl willing to sit around and listen to your insufferable boasting about how good-looking you are."
Or, if you're feeling truly brave, the hardcore reality check: "Lady, I like being your friend and I think you're a cool girl, and that's why I'm telling you—out of love—that you need to start thinking before you speak. You're incredibly judgmental and hard on people, and your comments hurt people's feelings, including mine. And since you don't seem to realize how you sound, I'm telling you straight-up that saying things like [insert choice remark here] is rude, unnecessary, and hurtful."

Of course, depending upon your friend's state of mind, she may get defensive, deny everything, or otherwise refuse to accept that she's on the road to alienating everyone. And if that happens, it'll be up to you to decide whether you want to continue the friendship—which, I'm not gonna lie, will likely be either exhausting or confidence-sapping. Or both. (I mean, consider how you're feeling now after knowing her just a short time; it's not going to get easier.) But cross your fingers and give it a try. Because standing up for yourself always feels good, and because hey, your friend just might emerge from your wake-up call with eyes open and mouth shut.

Have you ever had your patience tried by an egomaniacal friend? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.