How to Fix Rupert Grint's Career
After watching Daniel Radcliffe host this week’s Saturday Night Live, and seeing Emma Watson’s career continue to mature, I feel it necessary to write Rupert Grint and give him some words of advice.
Hey. How’s it going? Big fan. Love your work in the Potter films. Really great stuff. Remember when you said “mental” in that funny way? Ha ha. Good times. Mental. But can we get serious for a moment? You need help, and I can help you.
Right now you’re an international celebrity hot off the success of the biggest movie franchise of the new millennium. The world can be yours! Of course, without proper planning, you may fall off the face of the pop culture map and end up being just another “that kid from E.T.” I don’t want that to happen. I want to see your star shine! I never want to read an article called, “Where’s Weasley?” that details how you’re now working as a sound mixer in Oakland and running an adults-only social media site called “Turn Me Ron.” Let’s not let that happen.
I’m guessing you’re busy right now with some acting parts and we’ll still be seeing your lovely ruddy face on the big screen, but you have yet to gain the same buzz, hype, scuttle-butt, or publicity as your Potter co-stars. That should have been you hosting SNL, man. That should have been you in My Week With Marilyn! Why the hell weren’t you in Rise of the Planet of the Apes instead of Blondie Forehead?
This is why you should fire your current management team and hire me, Dan Bergstein, to be your manager, agent, writer, lawyer, and publicist. Sound good? Don’t answer yet. Here is how I will save your precarious career.
Phase One: Name Change
"Rupert Grint" sounds like a Muppet or law firm. Your new name is Spyder Oceanwater. Get use to it, Spyder.
Phase Two: Shawshank Redemption 2
The first Shawshank Redemption is a modern classic. I’m currently writing a sequel for this movie with you in mind for the lead role of Trevor, a down-on-his luck DJ who is also a math prodigy and an orphan. Also, your character is blind and allergic to wind, but is a world-class boxer if only someone would give him a chance at the title. It’s a tragic story about the human condition and should already be nominated for an Oscar. It doesn’t really relate to the first Shawshank movie, except during the epic scooter chase finale in which we learn that Andy actually did kill his wife. Twist endings are box office gold!
Phase Three: Musical Fashion Bakery Wars
I’ll create a reality game show about baking clothes. Edible clothes! Contestants must make desserts that you can wear…and there will be singing. Dancing too, maybe. And lots of weight loss competitions…inside a pawn shop. Why has no one thought of this? You’ll be the snarky British judge. How do you feel about the catchphrase “Timmmmmmber!”?
Phase Four: Props
You need a prop. I know you have an ice cream truck, but it’s time to grow up. Johnny Depp usually wears a cool hat. Jack Nicholson always wears sunglasses. For you, I’m thinking a jellyfish in a jar of salt water that you wear around your neck. That can be your thing! You can be the jellyfish guy! I already ordered the jar. You’ll like it.
Phase Five: Invent new iPad thing
This is what will separate you from Daniel and Emma. While they’re busy acting and winning prestigious awards, you (and I) will take the consumer electronics world by storm with our new gadget that will make the iPad look like a cookie sheet! I have some rough ideas—basically it’s a cross between a calculator, Facebook, a video camera, and a board game, but in the form of high-tech syrup. We can be the next Steve Jobs! Dream with me, won’t you?
Phase Six: Market your own sneakers
Nothing too flashy. These will be sneakers for the casual professional…and they will be clear.
Phase Seven: Conquer Portugal
Because who can stop us with that high-tech syrup?
Phase Eight: Donate Portugal to the ASPCA
It’s the right thing to do. Those dogs need a home. Why not Portugal?
Phase Nine: Shawshank Redemption 3: Curse of the Time Sled
Trevor’s back, and this time he’s in a land of dinosaurs!!! And is that Abe Lincoln flying on the back of a Pteranodon? Of course it is, Spyder. Of course it is.
Phase Ten: Llama Farmer
Because in the future, he who controls the llamas, controls the world.
This is my plan. I refuse to alter or negotiate any part of it. Either you’re in, or you’re out. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to turning 2012 into "The Year That Rupert Did Great Things And Dan Helped."
You’ll need to gain 102 lbs. to play the role of Trevor. Start eating, my little Oscar darling.
What advice would you give our ginger heartthrob?