Join us out on this limb: pickup lines work basically zero percent of the time. Are we right? Love stories should just begin with the word, "Hi" and evolve over a casual conversation where each person shares likes and dislikes. Maybe a hilarious anecdote or two? Maybe a dance break? We'd watch this rom-com, Hollywood! Especially if the dance break was choreographed and involved Hobbits in some way!
Though all pickup lines are equally horrible in their own special way, the sentiment is the same—"I want to talk to you, but I just can't be a human about it." Of the lines below, some are straight from the life of this Splogger, some are classics, and some are just plain weird.
Consider this your crash course in comebacks.
THE LINE: Hey gorgeous, come here often?
YOU: Only on Thursdays. That's the best night for scoping out retired couples to rob. Oh man, look at these two geezers. How much money you think I could get for that oxygen tank on the street?
THE LINE: Are your feet tired?
YOU: Yes. I've been practicing my clogging.
THE RECOVERY: Oh … well … because you've been running through my mind all day.
YOU: The spell worked! Now bring me some puppies post-haste, minion!
THE LINE: I'm sorry, but do I know you from somewhere? You look so familiar.
YOU: Yeah, I met you at the family reunion last summer.
THE LINE: Ladies, ladies, my Mercedes.
YOU: Back up 3 steps right now, or so help me, I will punch you in the throat.
THE LINE: I used to party with Joe Jonas, you know.
YOU: Wow, you should be careful. Jonas Brothers come in threes, and they're harbingers of death. So if you find yourself coming across another one, you should probably run in the opposite direction. But be forewarned, the house of Jonas is both crafty and diligent, so they'll probably find you. Hahaha! Just kidding! Wow, you should've seen the look on your face. Let's be real, everyone know the Jonas Brothers are made of wax! (Walk away, shaking your head and laughing).
THE LINE: Let me help you carry that box, pretty lady.
YOU: Great, thanks! Human bones are so much heavier than I expected.
THE LINE: You look delicious.
YOU: Unsubscribe.
THE LINE: Do you have a boyfriend?
YOU: No.
THE RECOVERY: Want one?
YOU: Yes! OH MY GOD YESSSSSS! (To the heavens) Finally! I've been looking all over for you! I can't believe it's you! I mean, I always believed in soulmates — but here. You. Are. Let's never be apart. (Touch the tip of his nose and keep your finger there. Just keep whispering "you're the one" over and over again.)
THE LINE: I lost my phone number, can I have yours?
YOU: Well, sure. I'm always looking to help out a stranger. But when my mom calls—and she will, constantly—will you tell her I need tampons? (Put your hand on his shoulder) Oh, and also tell her that I've been coughing up some green shiz so I think she was right and that whatever I have, it's probably contagious. Oh, you were just being cute? Then, no.
THE LINE: I can cook, and I have a nice car.
YOU: Well thank Zeus, because before you came along, I didn't know whether I wanted to eat chicken marsala or drive to Spokane in a luxury sedan! Now, I don't have to choose—I can have it all!!!
THE LINE: Where are you from?
YOU: Inside your house.
We can't wait to use the "Jonas Brothers are harbingers of death" line! How do you respond when someone uses a corny pickup line on you? What's the best pickup line you've ever heard? What's the worst?
Related post: Terrible Pickup Lines
Topics: Life
Tags: one-liners, comebacks, funny things, pickup lines
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