Surviving Velociragnarök (aka the Velociraptor Apocalypse)

cursedpens' hardcore guide guarantees the extinction of dinosaurs—for the second and FINAL time (we hope).—Sparkitors

Ah, the smell of doom and mass hysteria; 2012, you do not disappoint. At least, thanks to numerous Sparkler guides, we are prepared to deal with any impending zombie infestations (maim 'em with a chainsaw, that's the way to go). But now, Sparksharks, we must turn our attention to a more pressing danger: velociraptors. The following steps will protect you in the very likely case of a dinosaur revolution. Read carefully, and make sure your crossbow is close by.

Step Four: Cheer in victory, but don’t get too content just yet–there is more to accomplish. What? Chronologically misplaced? In a world of rampaging velociraptors, logic exists no longer. Always maintain CONSTANT VIGILANCE, you vigilantes.

Step One: Gather the weaponry. Things that violently combust, pierce, hack, drill, trip, trap, penetrate, poison, transmogrify, mutate, scale and/or caramelize will do nicely. Next will be the monkeys (and by monkeys, I mean creatures with equivalent or lesser standards of hygiene) to transport said weapons and act as scouts, decoys, or lookouts. As for nutrients, water will suffice, since velociraptor meat is edible and will most likely taste like chicken. Then again, it wouldn’t hurt to bring along some freezer pizza.

Now, don’t go crazy and start blowing up dinosaurs indiscriminately. Step Two is to locate the nests of the raptors. With a buffet of sedentary humans at their mercy, I’ll bet you five pennies and a gumball that the velociraptors will either start, ahem, "populating," or they’ll gorge on so much fatty food that, like any feaster can attest, all they’ll want to do is climb into bed and hope that it does not break underneath them. In either case, they’re sitting ducks.

At the nest will be the maternal units, infants, and enclosed embryos. Since beings of the female variety have reputations, merited or not, of behaving more aggressively when their young are threatened, long-range devices of mass destruction are most useful here. Dust off your nuclear arms and commence Step Three: blow the pants off that place.

Step Four makes more sense now, doesn’t it? Because there’s no time for repetition when engaged in a dinosaur war, let’s skip to Step Five, unless you have enough weapons to barrel on to Step Seven.

If not, Step Five is to grab your hunting binoculars and search for a gaggle of raptors. Yes, a gaggle. If geese are birds and belong to gaggles, and if velociraptors are related to birds, then according to the syllogism rules of a world overrun by extinct reptiles, multiple raptors constitute a gaggle. Feeling confused? Congratulations, your task is simplified. They say birds of a feather flock together, and you’re looking for the oldest, most brain-scrambled raptor of them all. Take that one down and proceed to Step Six: Pick-up sticks.

Just kidding. Step Six requires a history in biology and an ultra-secure bravery belt. You must analyze the velociraptor for weaknesses that will aid in its species’ destruction. If the thought of dinosaur dissection really gets under your skin, don’t wig out; an external examination should do the trick. Check for clues such as skin density, bone brittleness, feather flammability, and the locations of major organs, arteries, or ticklish spots. Remember, do not expect the velociraptor to look exactly as you anticipate. A raptor in any other guise can still bite your head off.

At last, Step Seven has arrived. There’s plenty of room for improvisation and creative inspiration here. The point is to render as many raptors as incapable of attacking as possible. Suitable methods include decapitation, bare-knuckle boxing, asphyxiation, and the use of shrapnel, anger management classes, booby traps, cages, venom, or bamboo shoots.

And there you have it, one less thing to worry about. We can all look forward to a glorious 2013, unless you have triskaidekaphobia. In that case, I offer you a four-leaf clover, unless you have tetraphobia. In that case, I offer you my opinion that you have more important concerns than the imminent Velociragnarök. Happy hunting!

Remember, CONSTANT VIGILANCE. One can never be too careful when it comes to velociraptors, or, worse, velociraptor ZOMBIES. What's your plan for when the dinos inevitably attack?

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