How to Lose a Boyfriend in Five Ways
Auntie SparkNotes would not approve, Sierra J, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. –Sparkitors
Does your boyfriend make you wanna puke? Every time you see him, do you just want to sucker punch him in the gut and throw pickles at him? But do you suck at dumping people? Then this is the article for you! Here are five foolproof steps to get him to dump you, worry-and guilt-free!
Step one: Make sure his Facebook status says that you two are in a relationship. At least six times a day, post “I love you snuggy bear!” on his wall, or try the always effective “YOU ARE MINE UNTIL YOU DIE, AND THEN I’M FOLLOWING YOU TO HELL. =)” If he deletes any, repost twice as many.
Step 2: Every time you see him, scream a different embarrassing pet name and pinch his cheeks, telling him he’s the most adorable boy you have ever seen. Extra points if this happens in front of his friends.
Step 3: If you ever see him talking to a girl, run up crying and shout “I can’t believe you would do this to me! I LOVE YOU.” Do this even if he’s talking to his mom, or a 70-year-old teacher.
Step 4: Read all of his texts and check his phone log. Then insert yourself into all the jokes he’s made with other people. Or, if he’s texted any girls, be sure to let him know that you’ll be informing the girl in person that he’s no longer allowed to have any contact with her.
Step 5: Whine ALL of the time. If he takes you to an amazing dinner, complain that your seat is hard. If he kisses you, quietly whine about being bored. Whine loudly if you're in the presence of others.
If you have done all these steps correctly and he still loves you, SPRINT in the opposite direction, because this boy is really friggin creepy. If all else fails, just run up to him and scream, “It’s over, bucko!” then sprint away as fast as possible. If you feel any guilt, throw an “I’m sorry” cupcake at him. Mmm, guilt cupcakes.
Have you ever forced someone to dump you via awful behavior? How’d you do it?
Related post: Top Ten Ways to Get Your SO to Dump You