How To Survive A Lonely Lunch

claudiachance is the Darwin of the cafeteria.—Sparkitors

When left alone by flaky friends at lunch, you may feel like the lone guppie in a piranha tank. After all, being spotted solo is just about the most status-crushing thing that can happen to you in high school. Luckily, there are several tried-and-true survival techniques to staying low as a party of one—so you can keep your valuable reputation as a social shark.

Strategy 1: Hide in the bathroom

A classic. Walk into a stall, preferably the biggest one. Hang your backpack, sit down, and do whatever you so desire for 30 minutes. Just keep all activity above the ankles. Advanced loners may want to wear common types of shoes (eg, Converse, Vans, nondescript fashionable gladiator sandals) as to not be recognized by footwear. Very advanced loners only: bring an extra pair to change into for bathroom stall use. That’s covering your tracks better than the Zodiac Killer. (Note: do not do this unless you are desperate, for it is detrimental to the self-esteem.)

Strategy 2: Pretend to study

Park yourself in the library. Pull out your books. Appear engrossed in thought. You have just transformed yourself from a loser to a serious student. If you are an advanced loner, you may want to skip your homework the night before to make the whole "studying" thing less of an act. Stoically scribbling on paper or breaking out the textbook is also crucial to appearing authentic; if you study using your computer, it looks like you’re just a lunchtime gamer.

Strategy 3: Look like you’re going somewhere

Walk through campus with purpose. Continuously. After all, being in between tasks at lunch isn’t really a faux-pas. As far as anybody knows, you could be walking from one popular engagement to the next! However, this technique wears out if you pass by the same set of people twice in one lunch period. Strategy 3’s longevity all depends on the size of your school; large campuses can take the whole 30 minutes to traverse! Once you’ve used up one walking cycle, refer to strategy 1.

With these foolproof techniques, lunch shouldn’t be all that humiliating for the lone guppie!

We will admit to pulling strategies 2 and 3 many a time back in high school. What do you do when you're stranded at lunch time?

Related post: If You Can Survive a High School Cafeteria...