"What's in a name?" Juliet asked. Well, if it's your pet's name, quite a lot, old Billy Boy. Unfortunately, unlike Cabbage Patch dolls, pets aren't delivered with pre-signed adoption papers and names as wonderful as Franky Maximilian or Barbara Marie. No, we are left to our own devices in christening our fuzzy friends. It's a big responsibility, right up there with walking your pet every day tricking your parents into walking your pet every day and feeding it. Your pet's name, as Cesar Millan would surely attest, not only reflects his or her personality, but also yours. If your pet's name is...
A Classic (ex: Fido, Fluffy, Spot). You lack imagination but have a fondness for picture books. You are a literalist. Your favorite food is secretly Spam and deviled eggs. You know all the words to the "Star-Spangled Banner."
A Human Name (ex: Roger, Samantha, Herbert). You have a shortage of human friends or a keen sense of irony. You like to read but prefer non-fiction. You talk out loud to yourself in the car. You are a middle child.
A Character (ex: Heathcliff, Milo, Obi Wan Kenobi). You still read the Sunday comics. You just saw the new Muppet movie. You own a Wii or a Nintendo DS. You need to pluck your eyebrows.
A Formal Name (ex: Lady Godiva, Miss Daisy Simpleton, General Fluffernutter). You are in the theater club and you pronounce it "the-ay-ter." Halloween is your favorite holiday. You are a glass-half-full kind of person. You once experimented with blue hair that turned out green.
An Intimidating Name (ex: Butch, Killer, Thrasher). You own a pair of brass knuckles. You have one or more inoperative cars on your parking lot lawn. Children fear you; clowns respect you. You cry at Touched by an Angel reruns.
A Southern Name (ex: Dixie, Amos, Cooter). You live below the Mason-Dixon Line. You have a subscription to Buckmasters magazine. You have a double name that might end with the words "Bob," "Sue," "Ray," or "Ann." You know how late Sonic is open and how early Hardee's opens.
A Food Name (ex: Butter, Biscuit, Gouda). Seventy-five percent of your day is consumed with thinking about your next meal. You have Paula Deen's autograph framed in a display case. The front of your fridge is covered in magnets. Your pet eats exclusively Fancy Feast (even if your pet is a fish).
A Literal Name (ex: Dog, Cat, Fish). You're just lazy. You should also do a sniff test, because you might have B.O.
What's your pet's name?
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